Living A Double Life..

Today I thought, I want to speak openly about my ‘disorder’ Aspergers Syndrome. It’s not something I’m ashamed of or dread talking about so here I will tell you my story..

Growing up was..pretty much a blur to me. I remember things mainly from photographs, stories told my family members etc but it wasn’t all that bad.

School was literally a mix of black & white in my eyes, white because of the routine side of things & black when it came to the social side of things. I was brought up in to a main stream school, having teachers notice from a young age my ‘shyness’ & ‘unability’ to speak up or spend time with others. My dad being Aspergic himself didn’t take no notice of them when they would call my parents in to try & shoo them off to a doctor.

So then things stayed the same, I always had a ‘safety’ friend or comfort friend what ever you want to call it. This person was my blanket up until the end of primary school. I also had a few other friends by this time that I could enjoy their company also.

By the time I got into Secondary school this is where it all changed. I despised it there, losing interest in subjects always distracted (which I now know is due to having ADHD) & I suppose it’s where I started having to stand on my own two feet. Make a new comfort friend.

I always knew I was ‘different’ and the only words I could use to describe this then was feeling ‘superior minded’. I never could emphasize with people and understand how they could be feeling. I used to fake my whole life trying so hard to be ‘normal’ but it was only last year I realised I was Aspergic.

So obviously I wanted to talk about it to people around me, and can you imagine a friend could say “your not aspergic, stop diagnosing yourself” the ignorance!

I ignored that comment anyway knowing I knew more about myself than anyone in the world. Little did they know I would hide at lunch breaks if I was alone.

I still to this day keep so much concealed to the point none of my friends really know of my true interests in life or my views. Maybe it’s my fault because I don’t trust anyone to take my thoughts & fuck off with them? 

One thing I really can’t tolerate is these brain dead people that think Aspergers Syndrome affects everyone the same, forgetting that only an Aspergic person can tell you how they feel. The websites are only a few specifics. Try talking to someone that has it & maybe you’ll realise how different we can be just like ‘normal’ people.

I am to this day happy with myself, mainly because I’ve got rid of them useless people in my life & now have friends I feel understand me & like me for who I can be. I still need to work on a lot of things especially with dealing with the Aspergers in certain situations.

But the people that said I used this as an ‘excuse’ they really & truely didn’t know me at all. And the sad thing is over the years I’ve gradually been put off these humans we call normal…I prefer the abnormal to be honest! Bring me something different! 🙂

If anyone has any questions feel free to comment, thank you.

MS.

 

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