Good Evening people! 😉
How are we tonight?
I haven’t been online for a few days due to indulging deeply into a book hehe.
My thoughts these last few days feel scattered… And I don’t like it. I’m so used to being collected mentally, having all my plans in a mental calender, no scribbling out or not knowing what will be just a nice flowing mind ahead of me. But no. This week feels very unpredictable, having interviews etc coming up.
One thing I can’t deal with is: FAILURE.
Oh that horrible word screams at me 😦 I always feel if you work hard enough for something you really want you shall recieve, but when it’s not quite in your hands it leaves me feeling weak. unsure.
I envy those people that seem to feel happy with whatever hits them in life, I mean I can get over it for a while but it leaves me no faith for the future.
Anyway so despite these confused feelings I’ve had the book temporarily took my thoughts away which I was grateful for until I started realising some home truths from the book itself. Certain thoughts start popping up in my clustered mind.
Will I ever be able to love?
Will I ever be able to trust?
Do I even understand what love is?
Ahhh these stupid thoughts. I’m not the lonely type to feign for a cuddle from a gorgeous man or wait on texts. But, I am a romantic. I just can not look in to people’s eyes. It’s an Aspie thing. It doesn’t bother me really in everyday life it’s normal, my friends are used to this. But when it comes to a man, my god, I’m hopeless. I didn’t realise how bad I was until I looked back at previous relationships having these guys mention I couldn’t look at them in the eye. I thought they were being stupid. Only recently noticing I can look at people if they don’t look at me, as soon as they try to catch eye contact it burns into my soul.
So how am I ever going to look a man in the eye & tell him I love him with him believing my words? I envy this book in many ways, the way Ana always looks at Christian’s gray eyes 😦 I hope one day I’ll be able to look at my lovers eyes 😦
So yes that is kind of on my mind at the moment. I think I need to get my mind around my future & the changes that will happen…..I just need something to fill the gaps.