The way my mind works can not be described easily. Black & White thinking may seem pretty straight forward but to explain how I feel or what I am thinking about is confusing to even think about. The thoughts are constant, they never stop. The order I think in makes no sense, switching from one topic to the next. I lose interest in what other’s are talking about before they finish a sentence. Why can’t I care? Does this make me a horrible person?
The colours I see can attract me. The pictures I see can attract me. Anything cryptic intrigues me.
Walking down the road you wouldn’t even notice me. You wouldn’t think anything of me. I wouldn’t be any different. The life outside is different to life on the inside. No one can understand how we really feel. Mainly because we try so hard to not feel this way. We want to be just like every other person out there. Society irritates the shit out of me. We are wrongly judged & dismissed for trying. Yet we all know that popular phrase ‘ Don’t judge a book by it’s cover ‘ so why does everyone do that?! Even those that are supposed to help us?
It’s sad to say my whole life has been a painful lie. I pretended to care. I pretended to be interested in girly things. I pretended to be into mainstream music. I pretended to be a nice person when my thoughts thought otherwise. I pretended to understand things I had no idea about. I kept quiet about how daunting it was to enter a pub or any other place I found intimidating. I kept quiet about how angry I was at home. I kept quiet about my love for animals as my friends would of judged me. I kept quiet about my interests in life as my friends were nothing like me. I kept quiet about how I really felt. I made up excuses to get out of anything I didn’t feel comfortable with not feeling the slightest bit guilty. I often wished I had no friends as no one ever really knew the real me. I was embarrassed to write in a journal. I would hide away in the school toilets if my friend wasn’t there at break times. I would cry over doing the simplest tasks. I would sleep for hours. Fists hit the walls hard – it was never good enough. Taking the darkest alleys alone wishing the worst.
Relationships is a wish too far in my world. I see dysfunctional ‘love’ all around me – don’t want that. I see rage everywhere. Possession taken to a higher level. Listening doesn’t exist here. Arguments are meant to be here. Controlling steer away from me please. The idea of bringing up a child in this evil world shakes me. How could I protect someone when I’m unable to take care of myself? Where is the love? We talk of love constantly, falls off our tongues fluently, but where are you? I can’t ever imagine seeing you!? I want honesty from anyone that meets me. That’s all I ask of. Lies are so easy to come by, it’s the easy way out. I like a warrior, someone able to speak of truth what ever arises. Please don’t look at me & question me when I say I’m hard work. You will lead me on for too long only to break me..Realising further down the line I am hard work.
I have aspirations just like you & them. My dreams do not run off earning riches, just simply teaching & spreading what I feel. I dream of a cosy cottage. No interruptions from the busy world. I do not wish to age regretfully. I wish to be dead before I die, relaxed & ready to give myself to whatever takes me.
Give me something to crack. Tease my brain. Tell me something I don’t know. Teach me your ways. Tell me a story. Intrigue me enough to keep my attention. Don’t pretend that you understand me.