So a little fuckery inspired me..
As always those intrusive thoughts insist on fucking with me
Negativity flows through my veins. You wonder why a depressed person can be so sad. You question why we worry over minor things ‘when there are worse things happening’. Have they ever taken a front seat in my mental cinema & viewed the fucked up thoughts as I do? Have they ever wondered why we think this way?
So you picture me standing here feeling shit about myself. Picture me standing there smiling away pretending to be normal as per usual.
So I’m standing here watching everything. I observe the old lady tending to her garden daily. I see the happy families walking the dogs in the woods. I hear the loved up couple rowing over milk. I see houses. These houses keep shelter for plenty & more. The parks are full of kids in the summer enjoying their ‘freedom’. I see the news highlighting a story again. I see the rain pour & hear the complaints. I see teenagers wasting money on trends. I see rude people with money trying to belittle the working class. I see a young kid taking sweets from the shop. I see people looking happy and some looking sad.
And you want to know one of the reasons I’m depressed?…Well here goes.
I feel so ashamed to live in this place we call earth. I feel ashamed that we all take so much for granted. I feel worthless in society. I feel ashamed at myself for trying so hard to be like people I despise – society. I feel ashamed at those idiots that set ridiculous rules. I feel anger at people judging me having never met me. I feel pity on those with money to greedy to care about those who need it. I feel stressed out seeing people wasting their life. I feel angry that people believe your job titles determines how high up you are. I can’t stand living around brain dead people that truly believe we live in a safe place. I feel stressed just hearing people discuss bullshit like how expensive their hair style cost. I feel ashamed that we as a race can’t pull together to help those millions starving away to death silently because we’re too worried about our own lives.
So that’s the thoughts that fuck with my mind daily. But it doesn’t stop there. I’m constantly thinking of those that have to travel miles everyday for a trace of water. You will rarely see me wasting water. I constantly think of those that can’t even own their pride. They have no choice but to wear the same clothes everyday. I have now decided I’m not going to try hard to buy clothes just to blend in with others. I now will wear what I damn please & I will not spend ridiculous amounts on garments. I am constantly aware of the rubbish bags swimming down broken villages when I see beautiful scenic villages here. I am constantly thinking of these poor kids being brought up in a dangerous place whilst I am surrounded by friendly faces. I am fully aware of stray animals scared & hungry whilst ours are wrapped with love. I am fully aware of corruption everywhere. I am sick of us all pretending the people that suffer do not exist. We have a race that seem to believe that whatever happens we are safe under those higher. No one is safe when people with greed & power in mind daily hold the ropes. These people will not protect you from anything. If they wanted us to be safe in the future the world would not be so fucked up as it is now. The plug can be pulled any time when people are in control. When we let people believe we are lower they will rule. I am sick of living in this world sometimes. No it’s not a sympathy craving I hate sympathy. I am just letting everyone who reads this know I am not depressed over something ‘small and petty’ I am depressed because of the world we live in. And now I’m predicting some may be thinking ‘how could you be depressed because of the world we live in?’ Well you try thinking like a woman with Aspergers. Thoughts like this haunt me most evenings. I don’t understand the normality of life. The society is my worst enemy. I know depression will lurk over my shoulder for the rest of my life & I feel ashamed that I never had any support until now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
So you try feeling like this pretty much everyday & then maybe you will realise it’s not as simple as feeling sorry for ourselves or being lazy. In fact it may be just these people that are not open minded enough to see why we would rather not be here & maybe it’s because of them we have had enough of it all.