Personal Post – Depression

So a little fuckery inspired me..

As always those intrusive thoughts insist on fucking with me

Negativity flows through my veins. You wonder why a depressed person can be so sad. You question why we worry over minor things ‘when there are worse things happening’. Have they ever taken a front seat in my mental cinema & viewed the fucked up thoughts as I do? Have they ever wondered why we think this way?

So you picture me standing here feeling shit about myself. Picture me standing there smiling away pretending to be normal as per usual.

So I’m standing here watching everything. I observe the old lady tending to her garden daily. I see the happy families walking the dogs in the woods. I hear the loved up couple rowing over milk. I see houses. These houses keep shelter for plenty & more. The parks are full of kids in the summer enjoying their ‘freedom’. I see the news highlighting a story again. I see the rain pour & hear the complaints. I see teenagers wasting money on trends. I see rude people with money trying to belittle the working class. I see a young kid taking sweets from the shop. I see people looking happy and some looking sad.

And you want to know one of the reasons I’m depressed?…Well here goes.

I feel so ashamed to live in this place we call earth. I feel ashamed that we all take so much for granted. I feel worthless in society. I feel ashamed at myself for trying so hard to be like people I despise – society. I feel ashamed at those idiots that set ridiculous rules. I feel anger at people judging me having never met me. I feel pity on those with money to greedy to care about those who need it. I feel stressed out seeing people wasting their life. I feel angry that people believe your job titles determines how high up you are. I can’t stand living around brain dead people that truly believe we live in a safe place. I feel stressed just hearing people discuss bullshit like how expensive their hair style cost. I feel ashamed that we as a race can’t pull together to help those millions starving away to death silently because we’re too worried about our own lives.

So that’s the thoughts that fuck with my mind daily. But it doesn’t stop there. I’m constantly thinking of those that have to travel miles everyday for a trace of water. You will rarely see me wasting water. I constantly think of those that can’t even own their pride. They have no choice but to wear the same clothes everyday. I have now decided I’m not going to try hard to buy clothes just to blend in with others. I now will wear what I damn please & I will not spend ridiculous amounts on garments. I am constantly aware of the rubbish bags swimming down broken villages when I see beautiful scenic villages here. I am constantly thinking of these poor kids being brought up in a dangerous place whilst I am surrounded by friendly faces. I am fully aware of stray animals scared & hungry whilst ours are wrapped with love. I am fully aware of corruption everywhere. I am sick of us all pretending the people that suffer do not exist. We have a race that seem to believe that whatever happens we are safe under those higher. No one is safe when people with greed & power in mind daily hold the ropes. These people will not protect you from anything. If they wanted us to be safe in the future the world would not be so fucked up as it is now. The plug can be pulled any time when people are in control. When we let people believe we are lower they will rule. I am sick of living in this world sometimes. No it’s not a sympathy craving I hate sympathy. I am just letting everyone who reads this know I am not depressed over something ‘small and petty’ I am depressed because of the world we live in. And now I’m predicting some may be thinking ‘how could you be depressed because of the world we live in?’ Well you try thinking like a woman with Aspergers. Thoughts like this haunt me most evenings. I don’t understand the normality of life. The society is my worst enemy. I know depression will lurk over my shoulder for the rest of my life & I feel ashamed that I never had any support until now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

So you try feeling like this pretty much everyday & then maybe you will realise it’s not as simple as feeling sorry for ourselves or being lazy. In fact it may be just these people that are not open minded enough to see why we would rather not be here & maybe it’s because of them we have had enough of it all.

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10 thoughts on “Personal Post – Depression

  1. I couldn’t do it, my depression was very much inward focus a type of selfishness really. You already are a much better person than I, try not to let it overwhelm you though, okay? Stay strong, okay?

    1. Oh believe me some of my depression is very self centered but what I was trying to point out is that, there are many things that can make one feel depressed & that’s just a few of mine! I have always noticed that when you feel depressed you are the only thing that matters in your mind & you really can’t stop that if you get my drift..Might be sounding all jumbled up sorry 😀
      I do try like I have good days then some bad it’s just a rocky path. Thanks for your kind words & I am not a better person than you at all! We are all precious no one is better believe me 😀 I know your going through a horrible time but do not knock yourself down! You are worth more than that! 😀

  2. The only thing I can say is “Wow!” This is truly amazing and as many people as possible should read this. I know what you mean about people not knowing you. The problem is they make one snap judgement and that’s it, they have what they call an informed opinion and that sucks.

    1. 80smetalman I must have the pleasure of knowing your name?! I love to address you all personally 🙂

      Thank you so much for commenting here! I really appreciate this. I find that people that struggle with depression really get bad press from society & it’s just not fair.
      Yep I agree! It’s very easy for people to cast negative judgement on others. It’s sad really 😦

      Hope you had a wonderful weekend!!

  3. Very well said. I couldn’t agree with you more. The ignorance of the people in society is something I think about from time to time, but I don’t share these thoughts with many because their ignorance won’t allow them to understand. So many people in this world have no idea that they are a bunch of pawns being told what to do, what to wear and so on, and they all think they’re individuals with independent thoughts but they’re not. Thinking about this sometimes frustrates me, so I understand what you’re saying and how you’re feeling. I do hope you feel better soon.

    1. Thank you 🙂 I am definitely aware that some people would turn their nose up to some of the stuff I write but you know, it’s our journey through life & we can do as we will 🙂 I used to panic that people would judge me instantly or not understand but since I’ve been blogging I’ve only met people that are kind, understanding & genuine with me which I appreciate more than anything & makes it ten times easier to open up on here!
      In all honesty though I used to be known in my English classes as the debater, always had to voice my opinion on everything so it’s always kind of been there so why not express it hey! 😀

      I’ve just realised that I haven’t gotten back to you via email yet! So sorry I’ve been rubbish with emails lately had a low episode last month & was all over the place. I saw your cousin was at your mum’s, how was that?

      I agree 100% I’m not really sure that people realise that they’re far from being different from the rest of the sheep you see everywhere? It’s not even just clothes & interests, it’s everything from herd mentality to society beliefs.

      I’m glad you understand too! It really is a relief to know I’m not the only one (even though I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone you know what I mean right?) 🙂 I will email you shortly.

      1. I read something this week (it was about conspiracy theories) that went along the lines of “People who think you’re crazy for what you believe in are most likely the crazy ones themselves” And I couldn’t agree with it even more. The ones that are usually quick to judge are the ones who are incapable of thinking for themselves and close minded to anything other than the norm.

        I really do hope you’re feeling better. I’m sure it’s helped to release your thoughts and have people who understand what you’re going though or what you’re trying to say. Sometimes I feel as though strangers are better to talk to than the people we are surrounded by.

        I look forward to hearing from you!

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