How would you describe Depression to someone close to you that asks how it affects your life etc?
Around a month ago I had a very low episode. I couldn’t bear to see my parents much. I noticed I locked myself away a lot and wanted an escape. I would cry over the pettiest thing then the thoughts come creeping in.
When your depressed it really is hard to control your thoughts. I think that people on the outside that may not suffer from this won’t understand this and how it really is hard to live life when your mind starts telling you things. It’s almost like a war with my own mind.
The thing is with depression, more things can tie in with it. So with my depression, a binge eating disorder crept in. So this on top of feeling like complete shit doesn’t make life any easier. It goes like this thoughts or an incident makes me over think things, feel angry or guilty, go to shops get a load of crap filled food, sneak it home, eat it all in one go then feel even worse for eating it all! So with this I’ve gained weight and feel disgusting.
It’s not very easy to tell those close to you that you eat to comfort yourself then hate yourself for it. This alone is just frustrating in itself.
For me personally I like to see my friends most of the time, I can have a laugh with them and ‘escape’ my normal thoughts and lifestyle almost. But too much can leave me feeling lost in routine and angry.
So the anger for me is the worst probably. I think it’s down to the ADHD trait, but my dad and I both have a very short snappy temper. The anger is so uncontrollable it literally takes over me. I often slam my fists into walls and if it’s really badly not controlled I have resorted to self harm. See now this is something I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. I mean how do you tell your friends you want to hurt yourself without sounding like an idiot?
The mind is very clever…I remember the last time I wanted to hurt myself I hunted for something sharp but not a blade. A compass sprung to mind, then along with that thought came back the memories of me doing it whilst at Secondary school. I must of tried to erase that back then but it all came back.
I’m not crying out for help in any way this is just me being as open as I can be at the moment and hoping some of those that pass by my blog can share some experiences with depression. The only thing I liked with self harming that way was the sick idea in my head that when something got me angry I could ease it by locking myself away and scratching/digging away.
The thing I find with depression is I’ve kind of fallen into routine with it. I’m quite scared and anxious to be stable. I really do panic. I also find it hard to ever see myself stable when we live in a world I can sometimes despise. I mean it’s everywhere, money, power and greed. How can I avoid that all my life?!
So this feels like I’ve written quite a bit but it’s really not even the half of depression. Once you see you have it, it isn’t easy for everyone to just get rid of it. So if you have a friend or family member with depression, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEE do not put a time limit on it. Don’t expect them to just get better in a short amount of time. If anything try your hardest to ask them how they feel every now and again and be as supportive as you can be.
In the last 3-4 months I have become very friendly with a family friend. She also suffers from depression and we are trying to help each other out. She understands me fully, so when I do leave the house to go out with her but decide to wait in the car because I can’t handle people that day she doesn’t question it. But I’ve still left the house.
Set small goals when you are ready and if you have someone you can confide in, then do so! Depression really can control your thoughts and life, it’s really not nice.
I know quite a few of my followers here have/have had depression so if you want to share (you really don’t have to) your experiences then feel free.. This is a very open post for me so please don’t judge me. 🙂