Personal Post – Life With Depression Part 1.

 

How would you describe Depression to someone close to you that asks how it affects your life etc?

 

Around a month ago I had a very low episode. I couldn’t bear to see my parents much. I noticed I locked myself away a lot and wanted an escape. I would cry over the pettiest thing then the thoughts come creeping in. 

When your depressed it really is hard to control your thoughts. I think that people on the outside that may not suffer from this won’t understand this and how it really is hard to live life when your mind starts telling you things. It’s almost like a war with my own mind. 

The thing is with depression, more things can tie in with it. So with my depression, a binge eating disorder crept in. So this on top of feeling like complete shit doesn’t make life any easier. It goes like this thoughts or an incident makes me over think things, feel angry or guilty, go to shops get a load of crap filled food, sneak it home, eat it all in one go then feel even worse for eating it all! So with this I’ve gained weight and feel disgusting. 

It’s not very easy to tell those close to you that you eat to comfort yourself then hate yourself for it. This alone is just frustrating in itself. 

For me personally I like to see my friends most of the time, I can have a laugh with them and ‘escape’ my normal thoughts and lifestyle almost. But too much can leave me feeling lost in routine and angry. 

So the anger for me is the worst probably. I think it’s down to the ADHD trait, but my dad and I both have a very short snappy temper. The anger is so uncontrollable it literally takes over me. I often slam my fists into walls and if it’s really badly not controlled I have resorted to self harm. See now this is something I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. I mean how do you tell your friends you want to hurt yourself without sounding like an idiot?

The mind is very clever…I remember the last time I wanted to hurt myself I hunted for something sharp but not a blade. A compass sprung to mind, then along with that thought came back the memories of me doing it whilst at Secondary school. I must of tried to erase that back then but it all came back. 

I’m not crying out for help in any way this is just me being as open as I can be at the moment and hoping some of those that pass by my blog can share some experiences with depression. The only thing I liked with self harming that way was the sick idea in my head that when something got me angry I could ease it by locking myself away and scratching/digging away.

The thing I find with depression is I’ve kind of fallen into routine with it. I’m quite scared and anxious to be stable. I really do panic. I also find it hard to ever see myself stable when we live in a world I can sometimes despise. I mean it’s everywhere, money, power and greed. How can I avoid that all my life?! 

So this feels like I’ve written quite a bit but it’s really not even the half of depression. Once you see you have it, it isn’t easy for everyone to just get rid of it. So if you have a friend or family member with depression, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEE do not put a time limit on it. Don’t expect them to just get better in a short amount of time. If anything try your hardest to ask them how they feel every now and again and be as supportive as you can be. 

In the last 3-4 months I have become very friendly with a family friend. She also suffers from depression and we are trying to help each other out. She understands me fully, so when I do leave the house to go out with her but decide to wait in the car because I can’t handle people that day she doesn’t question it. But I’ve still left the house. 

Set small goals when you are ready and if you have someone you can confide in, then do so! Depression really can control your thoughts and life, it’s really not nice.

I know quite a few of my followers here have/have had depression so if you want to share (you really don’t have to) your experiences then feel free.. This is a very open post for me so please don’t judge me. 🙂

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22 thoughts on “Personal Post – Life With Depression Part 1.

  1. My experiences is actually a lot like yours. I really liked what you said about binge eating, I relate to that a LOT. Also the time limit thing is so dumb. If I could choose my duration for my depression, you can bet I would choose for it to be short! Very good points! Oh my childhood post should be going up in about 30 minutes. Hope you’re doing well! 🙂

    1. Hey Brad! (can I call you that now? haha :D)

      Yep the binge eating has really ground me down 😦 I didn’t even realize I was doing it up until the last year. I’m trying to change that now though with the help of a close friend. I’ve managed to binge only once in just under 4 weeks, but I still know how the thoughts can haunt me in tough times so I’m kind of hoping nothing makes me upset anytime soon.

      How long have you binged? I’m also worried that I’ll get too obsessed with this and kind of go the opposite way like under eating etc..

      It really is! I’ve heard from a few people also suffering that their friends kind of got sick of it! I know it’s hard to deal with but close friends should be there 100% of the way.

      Wahey!! Can’t wait to see this 😀

      1. Of course you can call me by name, lol.

        I haven’t done it in awhile till this week but I am going to try and stop it tomorrow. It’s annoying that is for sure.

      2. Lol it’s because I shortened it 🙂 I didn’t know if you got called Brad for short 🙂

        Good luck!!! If you want to talk about it at all in private I’ve left my email add on my about section. I know I haven’t much experience in stopping but at the moment it feels quite promising so feel free to mail me 😀

  2. I don’t know you well, and I hope you won’t be offended, but depression is pretty common, the numbers are shocking actually. A lot of treatments do help. I would recommend you to find someone you can trust to talk to about this in the medical profession — starting with a GP or Internist. I think the brain is programmed to deal with more stress than our society provides. Mostly our needs for food, shelter and work are fairly accessible and stable. We don’t have to work and plan and hunt for meals or struggle for survival, but that’s what we are programmed to do. So our under-utilized brains spin their wheels and feel anxiety from inactivity and lack of drama. I find that the busier I am, with things I care about, the happier I am and the less anxious, as long as I’m getting enough sleep and eating properly. Take up an interest, find a hobby, throw yourself into a cause and then you will be busy and get rewards from feeling productive. Just keep bobbing and weaving and dodging the dark days, and don’t feel guilt when they come your way. You might find before long, that they grow less frequent. That’s my 2 cents.

    1. Hey Brenda,

      Thanks for sharing 🙂 I am not offended no, I am fully aware that depression is common. The thing that agitates me is the people that don’t understand it or judge the ones that do suffer with it. I often got taunts at my workplace about not being depressed because I was smiling at a friend? Like I wanted everyone to know my life story.

      I’ve already tried to seek help. I went to my GP years ago and ever since they’ve tried giving my drugs which I don’t want to take. I try them and they make me worse. The horrible nightmares or thoughts of rather being dead or even worse the zombie state of mind happen each time. After 16 sessions with my therapist she decided it probably is best I don’t take the pills. Which I knew from the start, I have never liked the idea of a pill controlling my mind and body with so many side effects. I’d rather do it myself no matter how long it takes. Instead my therapist suggested she thinks I’d be best going into the woods and meditating etc. Which I will try.

      Thanks for this 🙂 I have been making small changes, like I have been opening up a hell of a lot more than I would of ever before. I am trying to stop binge eating too so I’m hoping in time it gradually gets lighter 🙂

      1. Ahh, I really hope so Brenda 🙂 Thanks again for writing here tonight…

        I know it sounds bad but I’m glad I’m not alone 😉 G’night

  3. The problem I have with depression is that it’s not really something that goes away. It’s something I’ve found I have to fight against quite a lot. I often come out on top, but there are days that I don’t win. Hell when I think about it most of the time I really kinda come up with a draw, not doing anything big because I don’t have it in me. But not feeling shit because the voice in my head tells me my friends don’t actually like me at all. I guess my spoons are just at a level par most of the time. (spoon theory: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ ). I don’t really suffer because of it, but I guess right now I’m not doing as good as I could be.

    1. Thanks Snababo for sharing…

      Do you feel like depression will hang over your shoulder all your life? I often feel this way.

      I will definitely look this up now..

      I feel like that too, I often get the idea of doing something but just can’t do it. It’s really annoying.

      1. Yeah I’m pretty sure it will always be something I have to deal with. It’s a part of how I think I one level or another. But that doesn’t mean I have to be ruled by it

  4. I’m so happy to see that you’re being nice to yourself. I tend to be so ‘rude’ to myself. Like saying, wtf is your problem, you can’t even leave your car!? But I see that you’re like positive, and appreciative of the things you’re actually managing to do, and that is so great, keep doing that. I’m trying to be nicer to myself. Gah, like patting myself on the back for leaving the house at all, and sometimes just combing my hair.

    Power and greed, won’t go away, and you can’t avoid it, but you can learn to live a life where you don’t let it influence your mood. I get what you’re saying about being afraid to be well though (if that was what you meant). I remember being scared to get better, I was afraid of who I would be when the darkness left, because for so long that was the only thing I had known. But I try to believe that nothing can be worse than this shit, so I just have to have faith that being ‘stable’, being ‘better’ will be exactly that, better.

    1. Thanks for sharing Marie Olivia 😀

      Believe me this is me on a goodish day, I can notice the positive things, but some days…when I feel like the worlds ending I can beat myself up about things. I often feel worthless or wish I wasn’t here. But if I’m honest with you my friend has helped me a lot, she’s been so supportive and informative about my progress that I have realized I have made some baby steps.

      Do you have a good support around you? If you ever want to talk in private I have my email add on my ‘about’ section. You really should pat yourself on the back even for the small achievements! Or even make a little list each night of things you accomplished and see if you can expand on things.

      Yeah that’s what I did mean 🙂 I am afraid of exactly that too! I literally wrote a little in my written journal the other night about this and how living in the dark side of the mind is all I know what if I don’t want to see the light? 🙂

      I’m glad you wrote here, thank you for sharing this x

  5. Thank you for being so open and honest! You are so strong and incredible. I know that it might be hard to see that in yourself when you are down, but that light is still burning bright! 🙂 I could relate so much to what you wrote. Life is so difficult but there is more good in this world and others than darkness. Please remember that even when all of your hope is drained. You are amazing! 😀

    1. I’m finding all this openness very new! I hate being open, it’s just one of those things I’ve never been able to do. Up until now I feel ready, mainly because I want to work on getting better. 🙂

      I really don’t see myself strong or a worthy enough person to be on this planet to be honest! (not in a suicidal way, just because I can’t do what I want to do etc) I always appreciate your kind words Anna, I know when I do get better I will look back and hopefully agree in someway! 😀

      Ohh Anna I will try! I really love reading your words 🙂 Thank you for taking time here, I’m so thankful for this today x

  6. I think we’ve all been where you are and I would be the last person to judge you. Recently, I have been finding myself going back to past events in my life and thinking how I could have done things differently, even when some of those things worked out better for me in the end.
    Each day in this mucked up world can be a struggle and I salute you for using this forum to not only unload your thoughts but you got me thinking as well, thank you.

    1. Hey Michael,

      Just curious, have you read ‘The Power Of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle?
      I asked this because I am the same, I quite often go back to my past and wish for a different one (even though some of it was good times).
      But I read this book earlier this year & it really changed my whole thinking state. I mean I still do find my mind floating back to the past but it’s not as bad as before. It’s one of those books you can keep picking up and reading over and over again.

      Tell me about it! I find it really hard when everyday I’m finding negative stuff to say about the world. Even adverts make me sick. Like it’s everywhere.
      Thanks Michael 🙂 I just hope people don’t assume I am seeking attention here or being self centered..I know I am quite selfish minded with the depression etc but I really just wanted to share experiences with others and to hear theirs also! 🙂

      1. Hey Maria,
        Thanks for that book, I’m going to have to check it out. I don’t think you’re attention seeking. In fact, I get the impression you don’t really mind how many people read what you write, you just want to say what’s on your mind and hear other people’s experiences.

      2. No problem Michael!

        It may came across that way but some posts I sit here biting my lip. I do sometimes get the urge to take a post down if I find it too personal, this whole journey is a big step for me! But the poetry etc I’m quite ok with 😀

        I will check out that link for Amazon too, thanks!

  7. That old black dog who is never far away…what people don’t seem to realise about depression is that there are different levels of it and it affects people differently. One of the most common misconceptions about it is when others say, “but so-and-so can’t be depressed, they are always smiling and laughing”! Depression can manifest itself in lack of concentration, ‘brain fog’, difficulties with making decisions, sleep and eating problems, fatigue, just the mind dulling every day exhausting struggle with trying to get up in the mornings when just the thought of getting dressed overwhelms you, never mind going to work etc. It can suck every last drop of energy out of you and weigh you down with every step, as if you are you walking through mud. It steals your joy and numbs you to life. But nobody sees that when you laugh at a joke or smile at a friend. They assume you are ‘okay’. They don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
    The three things that help me are spending time with my family, walking while listening to music and writing. That, and prayer.
    Maria, you are doing the right thing by sharing your very personal story here as others can support you and reach out to you in your vulnerability and also you can find what helps you. Such as going out with your lovely family friend. Small steps 🙂
    The black dog of depression never goes away, I am sorry to say. The doctor tried to put me on anti depressants and they made me violenty ill, same with my daughter. Never again.
    I live with a ‘mild to moderate’ depression which has been life long. I have just had to learn to live with it and find ways to help. You are doing the same. Take those walks in the woods with your boys, get that ‘green therapy’.
    But I’m here my love… 🙂

    1. Thank you Sherri for taking time out for me 😀

      Yeah I know there are different types of depression etc too which some people fail to realize. That’s it! If people see you laughing etc they assume your a happy person. I laugh all the time with my friends because it’s simply the only time I escape everything. What goes on behind closed doors is a whole different story 😀

      Yep that’s very true! I find also that in this society where people believe that your hierarchy in a job sums you up it’s hard to let anyone know I’m going through a tough time because you know they will just think low of you! Like you can’t win ;(

      I love walking at night with music 😀 I just have to make myself leave, if I’m alone or I’ll battle with my mind about going lol! But yes definitely small steps! I used to give myself far fetched goals eg. By next summer I want to be slimmer and happy. That’s just too far away. So now with the help of my friend we are setting small steps, which seems to be working so far!!

      Do you work? I am so scared of facing a job again 😦 I have some support networks now to contact when I’m nearly ready but it all seems so daunting. I was under severe depression 3-4 months ago which I am now mild apparently! But that’s what my therapist got through those stupid questionnaires! I hate those, I kept telling her that some things I do naturally because of the ADHD & Aspergers so it’s a bit stupid me doing that lol but she insisted.

      I woke up today feeling really weird about this post Sherri 😦 I had the urge to take it down, I feel it’s too personal for me at the moment or it’s giving off the wrong message?! Ahhh..

      Thanks for spending some time on me, I appreciate that so much!!!

      xxx

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