Personal Post – Aggression & Frustration

I really want to be as open as possible in this post. It’s taken me a few attempts to spit the words out. So here it is:

 

I don’t see myself as a nice person. I often get angry at the world. I’m often frustrated over petty things. I’m constantly seeing the negative over the positive. I often find myself battling with myself or my ego (what ever you like to call it). When I was diagnosed with Aspergers I was so relieved to finally feel like I wasn’t alone in the big world. I wasn’t alien anymore. But in all honesty it’s brought me nothing but depression and anger.

I know I’m not a monster sometimes because I do have times where I can be very passionate about things or appreciative. I know I’m not a mean or spiteful person. But thinking negatively almost constantly it’s hard to see the goodness in me.

I often put the depression and anger down to being a frustrated child. I have a father that also is an ‘Aspie’ which can bring a lot of tension in the household. Sometimes we misunderstand each other or feel like we are treading on egg shells around each other, but on the other hand we understand each other. My mother on the other hand brought me up as best as she could. She always made sure I was well mannered and polite to people. Well I still am which I feel sometimes I like to be, but other times I feel like it’s not me (especially if I’m in a raging mood). I’m unsure of where my anger came from. I think this may be from my father who also has ADHD traits like me. 

I also wanted to mention about people and their tones of voices and how that affects me, as I’m curious if any of you have similar issues. I’ve recently noticed that I get very upset/angry if people I don’t know talk to me in an assertive tone. I often cry when people talk to me in this way. I also don’t like being spoken to in a childish way. Aspergers does not mean I am a child! 

The reason I’m writing about the anger here is because it’s recently started to grate on me. I find it quite embarrassing. It can be very quick. One minute I’m quite happy or content then the next something silly drives me into a crazy frenzy. I usually manage to contain it quite well and keep it in until I’m home, but on some occasions I’ve had fits of anger in public which then makes me look childish or just a complete nut case. I feel stupid afterwards but it comes from no where. I am not interested in anger management as I don’t believe in punching pillows etc. That’s just not enough for me. I don’t want to rely on medication if I can help it. But I would be interested in hearing from any of you that may have a similar temper. I am interested to hear how you handle/deal with anger. 

My minds a bit all over the place recently after feeling signs of a meltdown approaching. This is pretty raw though, this post. I find the anger side of me I try to mask the most. So your thoughts and experiences will mean a lot to me..Probably more than you know!

 

Thanks for reading.. 

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17 thoughts on “Personal Post – Aggression & Frustration

  1. This might sound very trite, but it’s worked for me. I start each day with internally and externally directed pleas, some might call it prayer, others auto-suggestion, doesn’t matter. Plead for awareness – which you obviously have already achieved based on this post – and then for emotional maturity (for lack of a better phrase to describe this in shorthand). Don’t read desperation into plead. You are in control. Reinforce every morning – and allow it to serve as your cue, your prompt during the day, when an EVENT occurs. You will eventually be proactive in your response, rather than reactive, somewhat like an actor playing out a part.

    If this doesn’t work – just say frig ’em and render it all irrelevant in your own mind to preserve your well being. 🙂
    —–Chagall

    1. Hi Chagall,

      Thanks for posting here 🙂 I appreciate it! It doesn’t sound trite at all, well not for me! I mean when you try to express your anger to a therapist and they may not have been in a similar situation it’s easy for them to suggest silly remedies. I really appreciate what you have written as its sunk in quite quickly. It’s something I believe I can try!

      I like the sound of being proactive in my response rather than reactive which I always am at the moment! I will take your words and think about these and try hard to apply them into my lifestyle as much as I can 🙂

      All the best! Stay in touch 🙂

    1. Yup I know! Think I could learn from that! I had a bad start this morning though. Had a fit of anger this morning and felt tense all day, resulting in a binge tonight 😦 I was on track and all week I’ve been making excuses for myself to indulge 😦 GRRR

    1. Hey 🙂

      Thanks for sharing 🙂 Ohh what are naturopaths? I’ve never heard of those? I am intrigued though.. I think I’d like to take the herbal approach if I had to go down the meds route.

      Thank you, I appreciate this!

    1. Hi Mark,

      Thanks for passing through here. I appreciate your response 🙂

      I often feel quite silly as I’m 23 now and still acting like a child sometimes with the fits of anger.

      I haven’t had a proper massage in what feels like forever! I think I deserve one though! Lol I know your not, I often hate being in tight clothes and resort to loose ones. I will be definitely sending you an email over the weekend. It would be nice to speak more in detail about the anger etc.. If your up for that?

      Thanks again!

  2. Oh Maria, once more, my lovely girl, you could be my daughter writing here. Everything, and I mean everything, you write is just how she feels. I know this because she has told me and I have seen her in action many times. As you know, she was recently in shutdown mode but, thank goodness, is coming back out again and I take a deep breath once more, for now…
    You are obviously very aware of when a meltdown is coming. The anger and rage and the way you feel when you are talked down to is so much what my daugther feels. It makes her enraged and then very depressed with the emotional exhaustion of it all. Just the same, after her diagnosis, she actually became worse. What I can say is now, finally, after 2 years of fighting and knocking on every door I could, she is now seeing an Asperger Psycologist regularly and for the first time she told me that he actually talks to her like an adult, on her level, and not treat her like a child or an idiot. Also, she trusts him. Which is so very rare. Is there anyone like that you could ask to be referred to so you can see a properly trained Asperger specialist to help you talk through these issues maybe? Like you, anger management is a complete of waste of time for my daughter, nothing has helped up to now, so I have hope this will and could for you too. I don’t know, but it’s worth a try.
    I have seen a book which I linked to in my post ‘The Love of Animals and Asperger’s Syndrome’ http://sherrimatthewsblog.com/2013/08/27/the-love-of-animals-and-aspergers-syndrome/ written by a female with Asperger’s for other females with it. I wonder if that might of some help to you to read? I’m trying to get my daughter to read it.
    I am here for you anytime.

    1. Ohhh Sherri, I love your words! You really lift my spirits!
      Your daughter should get on a blog! I’m sure she could meet others going through the same things etc (including me).

      I think it’s so good she tells you! I have recently started telling mum how I’m feeling which shocks her but I think she’s getting there. I lost it today and blamed her for giving birth to me :/ I don’t really mean to be harsh but I always take it out on her as she’s the one person I feel comfortable with. As strange as it sounds we take it out on our loved ones.

      I’m not sure why we feel angry and upset when people talk in certain tones? My therapist mentioned it being quite common with Autism but I’ve never heard of it. I’m glad I’m not the only one though!

      Yeah you mentioned before that after 2 years you managed to find a man that specializes in Aspergers Syndrome. I haven’t been so lucky. I did go to my GP and wrote down what I wanted to ask, which was to speak to someone who had experience with Aspergers in particular as therapy wasn’t working for me. The answer I got was a short laugh and a no. Basically he said there was only two specialists in the country but he couldn’t refer me :s So now I’ve kind of given up. I was tempted to email the woman that diagnosed me as she asked that I see a certain man who had experience but I never got him. So kind of lost faith in the system!
      It’s not right really!

      I will check that link out now, I love animals and genuinely believe that every autistic person should have one! Even if I’m in a fit of rage my dogs calm me after.

      Thank you Sherri, I know you are. I often don’t like to burden people with my worries but I know your are there if I need which I appreciate more than anything!!

      xxx

      1. The ‘system’ is dreadful, I agree. I am so sorry for the stonewalling you have had and the lack of help you’ve received. The good thing for you is that you do have people here who offer you support and friendship, as well as your lovely friend Michelle, and of course your wonderful mum and dad (not to mention your beautiful 2 dogs!!) But I know (so far as I can try to understand from personal experience) how hard it is for all Aspies.
        I know that my daughter treats me worse than anyone when she is in a bad place, and I am only just now beginning to understand that it is because she feels safest with me and I’m her mum. So I get it in the neck sometimes! Ah well, we mums do understand, never forget that Maria. And, above all else, we love our daughters very, very much 🙂
        I hope you are feeling a bit better and that this week is a good one for you. You know where my ‘summerhouse’ is if you need anything.. 🙂 xx

    1. Ahh Sherri you really brighten my day! I was having such a crap day as you can see from the new post. But this really makes me happy! Thank you 😀 xx

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