I really want to be as open as possible in this post. It’s taken me a few attempts to spit the words out. So here it is:
I don’t see myself as a nice person. I often get angry at the world. I’m often frustrated over petty things. I’m constantly seeing the negative over the positive. I often find myself battling with myself or my ego (what ever you like to call it). When I was diagnosed with Aspergers I was so relieved to finally feel like I wasn’t alone in the big world. I wasn’t alien anymore. But in all honesty it’s brought me nothing but depression and anger.
I know I’m not a monster sometimes because I do have times where I can be very passionate about things or appreciative. I know I’m not a mean or spiteful person. But thinking negatively almost constantly it’s hard to see the goodness in me.
I often put the depression and anger down to being a frustrated child. I have a father that also is an ‘Aspie’ which can bring a lot of tension in the household. Sometimes we misunderstand each other or feel like we are treading on egg shells around each other, but on the other hand we understand each other. My mother on the other hand brought me up as best as she could. She always made sure I was well mannered and polite to people. Well I still am which I feel sometimes I like to be, but other times I feel like it’s not me (especially if I’m in a raging mood). I’m unsure of where my anger came from. I think this may be from my father who also has ADHD traits like me.
I also wanted to mention about people and their tones of voices and how that affects me, as I’m curious if any of you have similar issues. I’ve recently noticed that I get very upset/angry if people I don’t know talk to me in an assertive tone. I often cry when people talk to me in this way. I also don’t like being spoken to in a childish way. Aspergers does not mean I am a child!
The reason I’m writing about the anger here is because it’s recently started to grate on me. I find it quite embarrassing. It can be very quick. One minute I’m quite happy or content then the next something silly drives me into a crazy frenzy. I usually manage to contain it quite well and keep it in until I’m home, but on some occasions I’ve had fits of anger in public which then makes me look childish or just a complete nut case. I feel stupid afterwards but it comes from no where. I am not interested in anger management as I don’t believe in punching pillows etc. That’s just not enough for me. I don’t want to rely on medication if I can help it. But I would be interested in hearing from any of you that may have a similar temper. I am interested to hear how you handle/deal with anger.
My minds a bit all over the place recently after feeling signs of a meltdown approaching. This is pretty raw though, this post. I find the anger side of me I try to mask the most. So your thoughts and experiences will mean a lot to me..Probably more than you know!
Thanks for reading..