Aspergers and Babies?

Growing up I enjoyed playing with loads of different toys. Barbie stands out the most with her plug in hair extensions. I also remember being very attached to my red tricycle. As a child I never fantasized over growing older and having that dream wedding, or falling hopelessly in love and having loads of kids. It just never bothered me. Maybe because I’m an only child, I’m not sure. I do remember having dogs all my life. I always had a dog in the house, and Rostom my old black lab was my life. I loved him dearly and remember my only ambition in life was to be a veterinary nurse.

By the time I reached secondary school I soon became surrounded by this word ‘broody’. I would hear girls in particular awww’ing over baby pictures or a baby in a pram. I used to pretend to be the same. I often would ‘awww’ around a baby, but never really understood what people saw beautiful? I just saw a baby. This may sound quite harsh but it’s my reality. The only babies I genuinely thought were beautiful were my best friend’s at the time and my other friend. I think that’s because I was around them a lot.

Anyway, for around 3 years or more I was always with my best friend and her child. I actually loved the child, and thought very highly of her. But I still found myself feeling uncomfortable in a room full of people when the baby was given to me to hold. I never clicked with kids or knew how to talk to them etc. I believe this is because I don’t see everyone as equal and find it hard to treat people differently. So…Even though I loved this baby girl I still never got broody. I never had that feeling of wanting my own kids.

I often sit and wonder why? I mainly put it down to being quite self centered. I think that stems from the Aspergers, the world constantly needs to evolve around me. I’m not sure how I’d cope with having to be responsible 24/7. I’m already a nervous wreck walking my dogs because of the ‘idiot drivers’ that drive to close to the pavement. I panic constantly about my dogs so can you imagine a baby?! Another reason is that I’m 80% sure I’d get post natal depression. I wouldn’t want to not feel attached with my child. I also have another fear of bringing a child into this messed up world. I know this may sound crazy to some, but I can’t see a good life for a child in this generation. So there’s a few of my reasons.

I’ve opened up about this a lot to people around me lately and most of them have said that once I meet a guy, I may fall in love and my thoughts may change. But this all sounds too risky for me. I feel like I’d have to ask a guy straight away if he wants kids?! 😦 I think I’d feel sick if he said yes definitely. I may not be able to give him that and I could end up lonely for the rest of my life! I know that’s a slight exaggeration but these thoughts pop to my mind whenever I think of relationships and babies. I then thought maybe a kid would give me a purpose in life? As a career has never meant anything to me. Only helping the poor, animals etc feels like the only purpose I want to have. But then I thought maybe a baby would be what I need. But if I’m not getting broody, surely not?

I’ve seen quite a few Asperger parents here on WordPress and Twitter, so I’m hoping some of you could give me some advice or tell me about how you dealt with giving birth and bringing up babies etc? Even if you don’t have kids I’m eager to hear your thoughts and opinions on this matter.

Thanks for reading guys! Hope you all have a great week 🙂

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31 thoughts on “Aspergers and Babies?

  1. You know, I’ve always wondered if girls when in a collective awww-ing over a cute baby if they are faking it. I think it is different if it is your child or of a friends but random stopping in public from strangers is just kind of weird to me.

    I think you’ll do okay with what you decide. Also not every guy wants to have children so don’t let that worry you.

    1. I’m not too sure!? I’ve always heard the phrase ‘I’m so broody at the moment’ from women? I asked one girl if she actually thought every kid was cute…I’m not sure though! I think women do tend to have maternal instincts etc so they do tend to be mad about kids, so awww’ing in public is quite common I think :s Well it is around here haha!

      I’m not so sure Brad..It seems these days guys want the whole package. I’m like totally opposite. But I suppose only time will tell ay?

  2. I think it’s awesome that you are self-aware and honest with yourself about this. Having children is an enormous responsibility, so it’s something you should really want and be prepared for.

    I don’t think you have to worry about this too much yet. I’ve always gotten the impression that there are lots of guys out there who are ok with not having kids, and being honest about that from the start is really important in a serious relationship. And you never know how your feelings will change if you do decide to get married. I’ve always liked kids, but was never very good with them and didn’t really imagine myself having any-until I got married. Then it hit me in a major way. That may happen to you, or it may not, and that’s ok 🙂

    I had a lot of the same fears you have, but the bonding that happened when I had my children was intense, and a lot of things came naturally. It is challenging at times, but I really love it.

    1. Hey Aspermama,

      Great hearing from you! 😀 I never really thought about it in a sense of bothering me, it’s only as I’ve gotten older and my younger friend has mentioned kids etc then I realised I am 23 now and not ever been interested! I hate the feeling of a time limit! 😦

      I suppose it’s my negative thinking that keeps me thinking the worst. I mean I’m quite happy being single, but it’s just knowing that in some point of my life I obviously do want the happy relationship and to be in love etc. Then kids spring to mind and I panic! Do you find with your kids that you want to be very organised and everything has to be correct etc?

      How do you cope with alone time? Do your kids have autism? Sorry for all the questions I’m just curious 🙂

      Thanks so much for commenting here!

  3. Maria, are you sure you aren’t my daughter??!! I say this because everything you write could be her writing!
    She has categorically told me and anyone that listens that she hates babies and will never, ever have her own children. Even when everyone tells her she will change her mind she just gets angrier and more sure she won’t.
    She never played with dolls or barbies and was always a tomboy, preferring to dress up her cats and make capes for everything. She did like her soft toys very much though and had a Beanie Baby collection 🙂
    She has never felt in the slightest bit maternal, but then nor did I until I had my own children! I was never one to ooh and aah over babies. When I had my first child, my son, I was utterly and completely knocked sideways and back again by the explosion of love that I felt for him and I was never the same again. In a good way that is! I’ve tried to explain this to my daughter but she is adament that she won’t be like that.
    Ultimately, children aren’t for everyone and, as you are well aware, there are many people who decide not to have a family and live fruituful, purposeful lives. If not having children is definitely not on your agenda then I really hope and pray that you can meet someone, the right person, oneday, who feels the same way as you. But don’t look too far ahead just now!
    I hope that get some responses from some Aspie parents out there, I would also be very interested to read their thoughts on this subject and hopefully give you some insight and encouragement 🙂
    I hope you are feeling better today lovely lady 🙂

    1. Oh Sherri! I’m sure me and your daughter must be telepathically connected haha!! We sound so alike it’s quite bizarre! I’ve never met anyone this similar! She really should blog I’d love to speak with her! (OK sorry about the exclamation marks, getting a tad excited lol)

      Yep, I’ve constantly been told I’ll change my mind etc and I’m quite adamant at the moment it’s not going to change, but at the back of my mind I think I hope I will. Even though I know it wont happen. The whole idea never appealed to me. I even walk past baby shops and don’t spare a glance!

      Thing is, I thought my father wasn’t bothered about me having kids, but he recently mentioned he can’t wait for me to have his grand children 😦 *cries* Then I have mother persuading me to have two kids! I literally die inside 😦 I often tell them I don’t want them but I think they think I will?!

      I would say I’m 90% sure I won’t have kids! But I can’t predict the future as much as I would like :(. Your right I really should just focus on the present and let everything fall in place.

      I’ve approved the comments now, so you can look through 😀 I am feeling slightly more in control today with everything even though I ate a bag of chocolate 😦 GRRR. But I’m still focused so I’m hoping to keep up with one goal at a time. And at the moment it’s my weight loss and gym that I’m focusing on, then I can focus on something else 😀 Hope you’re ok?

      Thanks for sharing this with me tonight, really appreciate this! xx

  4. I hear you. Usually when I say a kid or a baby is cute I’m just doing it to be nice. Young kids have always made me nervous because I feel like they can see right through me. I’m okay around teenagers because I can sort of relate to them and they don’t need to be taken care of as much as a little kid does. So I don’t really want to have kids and I don’t really want to get married.

    1. OMG same! When I’m sat on a bus I find them staring at me & I feel the most anxious. I literally feel uncomfortable, that must be why!

      Yeah I’m not so bad around teenagers either. I’ve not been bothered about marriage but wouldn’t mind it! It’s just the kids for me that’s a real concern..

      Thanks for commenting here today, I appreciate your opinions x

    1. Hey Michael,

      Thank you for passing through here. I LOVE what you have pointed out! I never usually let the society get to me, but I suppose this is just one topic I’m really unsure and anxious about.

      I also get those thoughts of reaching menopause and regretting not having kids etc?! Ahh it’s so tough, but then I suppose if it’s not really what I want for the right reasons I shouldn’t go there…

      Hope you’re well.

      1. I haven’t taken an IQ test since I was a younger age, so now you’ve mentioned it I’ll take one! Do you know any decent IQ tests online?
        Yeah some of them can have very high IQ’s, my father has Aspergers and he has quite a high IQ.

      2. As the website won’t let me reply to your IQ test comment, I’ll just comment here. I’ve noticed that a regular IQ test, that just gives out one total number, doesn’t always cut it. Especially if you have Asperger’s. A lot of people with Asperger’s (not all of them) have a big difference between verbal IQ and performal IQ. Taking a pedagogical IQ test can draw these results out, if this is the case.
        I have a very low performal IQ, but a very high verbal IQ. This makes people overestimate me when they’ve just spoken with me, but underestimate me when they’ve just seen me perform a task. In the end people always wonder whether I’m smart or dumb, because each situation tells them something else.
        This IQ test explained why that happens. I’m neither smart nor dumb. I just have such a gap in my verbal and performal IQ, that it causes certain problems and certain advantages at the same time. Just play to my strengths and I can be really helpful.
        I think this IQ test is a way better view on your strengths and weaknesses, because it’s much more detailed.

  5. I have Asperger’s, am 21, have had a few very serious relationships, and I don’t feel broody either. I can be fond of a child, don’t get me wrong. I can even think a child is cute from time to time. But I don’t ‘aww’ at the sight of a baby and I don’t really have a maternal instinct about them. When I take care of a baby, I can’t do it on pure instinct. I remember everything people told me about babies and simply put it to practice. People sometimes tell me I’m good with children. I’ll just take it as that I’m putting my learned skills to good use. But when a baby starts to cry, it’s an instant sensory overload and I give it back to the mother and get out of the room. Also, I don’t really know what to do even if I would stay. I’d just rock it or something, trying to comfort it? Still, learned that from books.
    Also, I already let my plants die, let alone take care of a kid… I’m sure I’d forget to feed it or something.
    No, I don’t think I’d be a good mother. It’s hard enough to take care of myself. Let’s start with getting that right, shall we? Also, I don’t want children. I just don’t have that feeling that other women seem to get when they get older.

    I asked my exes, when they were still my boyfriend of course, whether they would want kids in the future. I asked them after about a month in the relationship and made it clear why I asked and that I really meant SOME DAY IN THE FUTURE, and IF WE MAKE IT THAT FAR. Even after specifying this, they’d get weirded out by my question. Stating it’s too soon to be talking about that. After telling them that it’s really a breaking point for me and that I don’t want to run into that problem in the future, they would answer me honestly. But still, it’s always an awkward question which leaves them weirded out… *sigh*
    An extra problem for me is that I’m scared of almost every living animal in the world, so having pets isn’t an option for me either. This leaves very few men for me… Luckily there ARE actually men who don’t want kids AND don’t want pets.

    Hey guys, want an anime/manga/fantasy fan who loves to put up events? Don’t mind her having asperger’s, chronic fatigue and asthma? Don’t want kids or pets? Then I’m the girl for you!

    Kidding. I don’t date guys over the internet. 😉

    1. Yeah that’s where I find myself, taking all my experience from being around my friend’s kid etc. If my friend didn’t have a child I doubt I’d ever feel comfortable around them! I used to get VERY exhausted after spending the day with her etc. I just don’t have the mental energy for kids.

      Aha so it’s not just me that can’t handle kids crying 😦 Ahh it goes straight through my brain!! I avoid it too! Especially in public.

      I personally haven’t been involved with guys in a few years so kind of anxious about how to go about asking. I can imagine the majority would run a mile after hearing the baby word so soon! 😀

      May I ask, why are you scared of animals? Just curious..never met anyone scared of animals 🙂 Lol that last paragraph made me laugh!

      Thanks for sharing this here Issha

      1. To be honest, I have no idea why I’m scared of animals. I guess they’re pretty unpredictable to me, which I find scary, but I don’t know if that’s the main reason. I’ve been scared of animals my whole life. My worst animal-fear is the fear of dogs. That’s a true fobia.

      2. That’s a shame! They really are amazing creatures! But I do understand how it feels to have a phobia with things. I tend to get them when I get my low episodes. But animals are everywhere! How do you cope? Sorry I’m really just curious! 🙂 And do you feel you could ever get over the phobia?

      3. How do I cope… Well, my fear of cats isn’t terrible. Outside they usually don’t like to come up close, so I can just walk around, and when I’m at somebody’s home with a cat, I’m fine when it’s a calm cat. When it’s a very active cat, it’s either the cat in another room, or I can’t stop by. When it’s a calm cat, I do usually put a pillow on my lap, as to prevent from them putting their claws in my lap when they try to sit on me. I can’t be around a cat for too long though, as my nerves cost me a lot of energy.
        My fear of dogs, like I stated, is a true phobia though. It’s either the dog in another room, or I’m not entering the house. And even then… If it’s a dog that barks all the time, I still get very nervous, even though it’s in another room, and my nerves will catch up with me.

        Walking outside and dogs? Well, if the dog isn’t on a leash, it might be a reason for me to actually walk around the block. If it’s obviously a really calm dog, without any interest in me, simply following it’s master, I might be okay with just passing on the other side of the street… But even then, my heart will be pounding the whole street.
        If the dog is on a leash and very calm, I can pass it, but my heart will still be pounding. If it’s not calm, but on a leash, then I’m still at the other side of the street. (a leash that stretches all the way to the other side of the street, will of course still have me go around the block)

        And yes, I do have plenty of dogs living in the neighbourhood and yes, I do walk around in fear all the time. It’s exhausting.

        The worst is when a dog starts running at me, wanting to play. I know that I shouldn’t run away, because it’ll just chase me, thinking that I’m playing too. When it gets too much, I can’t overrule my fear with logic anymore and WILL run, but before that happens I always yell out to the owner that I’m scared of dogs and if he would please call it back.
        But here’s the thing… Most dog owners (there are exceptions. Bless them) don’t understand this and simply smile and tell me it’s okay, the dog just wants to play. I then yell out that I have a phobia, so it doesn’t matter, the person still has to call it back. Somehow most dog owners think they can singlehandedly cure my fear and they still let their dogs jump up to me and say “Don’t worry… He won’t harm you… He’s just playing.”
        Dog owners all over the world: IT DOESN’T MATTER! THE DOG IS SCARY! YOU WON’T CURE ME!
        So yea, those are the worst times…

        So how do I cope? I don’t really. It just happens and it sucks and I don’t know what to do. I know that there are therapies for phobias, but these usually involve being around the thing that you’re scared of and I don’t want that. So no idea what to do. I’m scared. I can’t visit most of my friends because of it. I’m stuck.

      4. Oh by the way, I forgot to add something… I know I just mentioned cats and dogs, while I said that I’m scared of most animals. The reason is that most other animals are either in cages, or so scared of me (in the wild) that they’ll sooner run away from me than scare me to death by walking up to me. So cats and dogs are the worst problem in this case.
        I do have to say something to owners of anything in cages: Putting them on my shoulder to see my reaction is NOT funny. It’s a phobia, not just a fear. You’ll just have me distrust you for the rest of my life. Please don’t fool around with my phobia. Thank you.

  6. People in the group that I grew up in assumed that I would get married and have a big family. That is what girls were supposed to do. Needless to say, I do not agree with that. However, my mom has begun to caution me about relationships and having kids. I have never dated but I also am worried about the whole thing. Some babies I love and I used to work with little kids. However I agree that I don’t feel like I could take 24/7. That would be so hard. But then I feel selfish and sad about that. It is so confusing. 😦

    1. I don’t think your being selfish at all Anna, your being honest! I think it’s common with us Aspies to feel selfish when it comes to being responsible for another human etc. I can’t imagine it being very easy for many! But those that do have kids have told me they loved their child dearly from the get go so it must be down to the person.

      You still have years yet, so don’t worry about guys! Let it all fall in place! (I just wish I could take my own advice!) xx

      1. Aww Anna! That’s so lovely 🙂 I don’t know if they could put up with me haha! But any guy would really be blessed to be with you! You’re an amazing person..

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