Growing up I enjoyed playing with loads of different toys. Barbie stands out the most with her plug in hair extensions. I also remember being very attached to my red tricycle. As a child I never fantasized over growing older and having that dream wedding, or falling hopelessly in love and having loads of kids. It just never bothered me. Maybe because I’m an only child, I’m not sure. I do remember having dogs all my life. I always had a dog in the house, and Rostom my old black lab was my life. I loved him dearly and remember my only ambition in life was to be a veterinary nurse.
By the time I reached secondary school I soon became surrounded by this word ‘broody’. I would hear girls in particular awww’ing over baby pictures or a baby in a pram. I used to pretend to be the same. I often would ‘awww’ around a baby, but never really understood what people saw beautiful? I just saw a baby. This may sound quite harsh but it’s my reality. The only babies I genuinely thought were beautiful were my best friend’s at the time and my other friend. I think that’s because I was around them a lot.
Anyway, for around 3 years or more I was always with my best friend and her child. I actually loved the child, and thought very highly of her. But I still found myself feeling uncomfortable in a room full of people when the baby was given to me to hold. I never clicked with kids or knew how to talk to them etc. I believe this is because I don’t see everyone as equal and find it hard to treat people differently. So…Even though I loved this baby girl I still never got broody. I never had that feeling of wanting my own kids.
I often sit and wonder why? I mainly put it down to being quite self centered. I think that stems from the Aspergers, the world constantly needs to evolve around me. I’m not sure how I’d cope with having to be responsible 24/7. I’m already a nervous wreck walking my dogs because of the ‘idiot drivers’ that drive to close to the pavement. I panic constantly about my dogs so can you imagine a baby?! Another reason is that I’m 80% sure I’d get post natal depression. I wouldn’t want to not feel attached with my child. I also have another fear of bringing a child into this messed up world. I know this may sound crazy to some, but I can’t see a good life for a child in this generation. So there’s a few of my reasons.
I’ve opened up about this a lot to people around me lately and most of them have said that once I meet a guy, I may fall in love and my thoughts may change. But this all sounds too risky for me. I feel like I’d have to ask a guy straight away if he wants kids?! 😦 I think I’d feel sick if he said yes definitely. I may not be able to give him that and I could end up lonely for the rest of my life! I know that’s a slight exaggeration but these thoughts pop to my mind whenever I think of relationships and babies. I then thought maybe a kid would give me a purpose in life? As a career has never meant anything to me. Only helping the poor, animals etc feels like the only purpose I want to have. But then I thought maybe a baby would be what I need. But if I’m not getting broody, surely not?
I’ve seen quite a few Asperger parents here on WordPress and Twitter, so I’m hoping some of you could give me some advice or tell me about how you dealt with giving birth and bringing up babies etc? Even if you don’t have kids I’m eager to hear your thoughts and opinions on this matter.
Thanks for reading guys! Hope you all have a great week 🙂