I’ve never really been able to hold a job down. The longest I’ve been in one job is a year and a half. I’ve never been an ambitious person to be honest with you, but I knew what I’d love to achieve in my life and none of them were anything career based. I still remember those boring career advise meetings we had in school. It would come to my appointment and the same thought would spring to mind what fucking job am I going to pretend to want this time?! So like every weekly meeting we would sit down and the annoyingly calm woman would ask me…
“Maria, what would you like to do when your older? What is your ideal job?
Then the awkward silence spills the space and I’m still sat there picking at anything my brain gives me, and I can’t give her an answer. So she leads me over to the computers and starts selling me ideas. These ideas are just completely not my thing. One of them was a forensic scientist and the other was a fire woman. By the 5th appointment I had given up hope and said I will decide when I leave school.
So I left school. I became withdrawn from education and had no stability. I didn’t really enjoy school but it gave me routine in life. As soon as I left I wanted to enjoy my freedom. I wanted to embrace the world around me. But after a while I knew my father wanted me to get into work so I started off as a temp Receptionist, I absolutely despised the role. I hated answering the phones. As soon as I heard that fucking ring tone I wanted to scream, yet they wanted me to answer in an enthusiastic ‘jolly’ voice. I immediately told the mentor lady that I didn’t feel comfortable pretending to be happy as I hated the phones. She told me to try. After two torturous weeks I left. I declined their job full time as I hated the office, I hated the women there, I hated the phone calls and the sickening office banter.
So scratch office work off my list of careers.
Anyway soon after I took a temp job in a sales type environment selling phones. I was too young to sell so had to ‘meet & greet’ bearing in mind I wasn’t diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome until the age of 22. I was 17 at this point. I was constantly confused with myself and jobs made it worse. Anyway I felt like a complete fool in this place. I had to witness bullying of colleagues and a pervy boss. No thanks! I declined that full time role too.
By the time I reached 19 I got into retail job. It was a convenient store, like newspapers, grocery’s etc…I didn’t mind it so much but my depression worsened from that job. It was a part time job. I knew I could do better in life but didn’t care for money or working to die. It was never on my agenda. But I was still depressed, which I put down to the rules and needs of society. If I was myself I wouldn’t ‘fit’ society. By pretending I did fit society. So pretending is what I did for all those years.
I ended up leaving that job for a small family owned bakery. I became even worse and had several breakdowns. One in the workplace which was the last straw for me, I had to hand in my notice. I couldn’t handle over time but had to put it down on the forms to get the job. I couldn’t handle faking anymore.
I haven’t gone into as much detail as I would like with the jobs but for obvious reasons I’ve kept it short and sweet.
So that’s my short career history for you all. Yes some will judge me and probably think I am pathetic. But I feel differently and deep down I always have. I’m not getting all spiritual on you guys but I’m a true believer in life. Yes that word life we all over use until it’s meaning is no more. I am constantly digging at my thoughts. I have those thoughts hitting me every night. You only have one life, so why waste it on a dead end job. To work with idiots. To earn so much money you lose yourself?!
There’s a saying I love…. ‘We buy shit we don’t need – With money we don’t have – To impress people we don’t like’
I see this everywhere. From peoples cars to their expensive soap. I see people constantly caring about others, even to the point of torturing their own souls and health just to be richer than that person. I don’t see this part of life in my own mind. I see a clock. And this clock is counting down my life. And to be honest with you, I will never be an ambitious person. But in society we are made to believe money matters. I feel this is one of the reasons I’m always going to be depressed as I will never be happy working under someone. I’ve read somewhere this has something to do with Aspies. We tend to like to work for ourselves etc? I’m unsure so don’t shoot me! 🙂
It’s quite hard for me to picture myself happy in a job. I find it hard to eat around people and like to be alone. If I’m surrounded by people I feel like the earth needs to swallow me up and I wont eat. I also hate attending those silly work outings. I have never really told anyone about my eating problem. In school I never liked the school canteen because of the noise and people EVERYWHERE!! I obviously didn’t know what sensory overload was at the time but that’s what I was feeling. I would hide in the school toilets if I was alone. I can’t cope well in situations when I’m left clueless and unsure of what to do, so I hide. In my previous work jobs I either would eat alone in the back room or eat outside alone. At one point I had no choice but to eat in a car park 😦 So the lunch time thing is a big deal for me.
I also dislike wearing my own clothes in a work place. I feel judged and if I wore what I’d like to wear I’d probably be sacked. I used to hate non school uniform days etc. I just prefer being seen as the same as someone else.
The work place in general is tough. I can trust people too quickly then they turn out to not actually like me much?! So yes it’s not as simple as ‘Argh just pick yourself up and get a job like everybody else’ for me it’s actually quite hard to fit in to a workplace.
So to conclude my little rant tonight, I have decided that when I am healthy and in control of my life I will look into working for myself. I won’t pressure myself to work for power hungry fools. Never. Now I don’t see anything wrong with me saying this but society probably deems it unacceptable. I still want purpose in life and of course I would like a LITTLE bit of money. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want any. I know money can turn you evil, but a little bit is fine. Just to purchase a quickie of happiness is fine in my books.
I know I have quite a lot of Autistic followers here and I would love to hear about your work life. eg, how you cope? what kind of work you’ve gotten in to and any tips on starting a business alone would be lovely! 😀
That’s all for now folks! Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend!