Will This Aspie Work?

I’ve never really been able to hold a job down. The longest I’ve been in one job is a year and a half. I’ve never been an ambitious person to be honest with you, but I knew what I’d love to achieve in my life and none of them were anything career based. I still remember those boring career advise meetings we had in school. It would come to my appointment and the same thought would spring to mind what fucking job am I going to pretend to want this time?!Ā So like every weekly meeting we would sit down and the annoyingly calm woman would ask me…

“Maria, what would you like to do when your older? What is your ideal job?

Then the awkward silence spills the space and I’m still sat there picking at anything my brain gives me, and I can’t give her an answer. So she leads me over to the computers and starts selling me ideas. These ideas are just completely not my thing. One of them was a forensic scientist and the other was a fire woman. By the 5th appointment I had given up hope and said I will decide when I leave school.

So I left school. I became withdrawn from education and had no stability. I didn’t really enjoy school but it gave me routine in life. As soon as I left I wanted to enjoy my freedom. I wanted to embrace the world around me. But after a while I knew my father wanted me to get into work so I started off as a temp Receptionist, I absolutely despised the role. I hated answering the phones. As soon as I heard that fucking ring tone I wanted to scream, yet they wanted me to answer in an enthusiastic ‘jolly’ voice. I immediately told the mentor lady that I didn’t feel comfortable pretending to be happy as I hated the phones. She told me to try. After two torturous weeks I left. I declined their job full time as I hated the office, I hated the women there, I hated the phone calls and the sickening office banter.

So scratch office work off my list of careers.

Anyway soon after I took a temp job in a sales type environment selling phones. I was too young to sell so had to ‘meet & greet’ bearing in mind I wasn’t diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome until the age of 22. I was 17 at this point. I was constantly confused with myself and jobs made it worse. Anyway I felt like a complete fool in this place. I had to witness bullying of colleagues and a pervy boss. No thanks! I declined that full time role too.

By the time I reached 19 I got into retail job. It was a convenient store, like newspapers, grocery’s etc…I didn’t mind it so much but my depression worsened from that job. It was a part time job. I knew I could do better in life but didn’t care for money or working to die. It was never on my agenda. But I was still depressed, which I put down to the rules and needs of society. If I was myself I wouldn’t ‘fit’ society. By pretending I did fit society. So pretending is what I did for all those years.

I ended up leaving that job for a small family owned bakery. I became even worse and had several breakdowns. One in the workplace which was the last straw for me, I had to hand in my notice. I couldn’t handle over time but had to put it down on the forms to get the job. I couldn’t handle faking anymore.

I haven’t gone into as much detail as I would like with the jobs but for obvious reasons I’ve kept it short and sweet.

So that’s my short career history for you all. Yes some will judge me and probably think I am pathetic. But I feel differently and deep down I always have. I’m not getting all spiritual on you guys but I’m a true believer in life. Yes that word life we all over use until it’s meaning is no more. I am constantly digging at my thoughts. I have those thoughts hitting me every night. You only have one life, so why waste it on a dead end job. To work with idiots. To earn so much money you lose yourself?!

There’s a saying I love…. ‘We buy shit we don’t need – With money we don’t have – To impress people we don’t like’

I see this everywhere. From peoples cars to their expensive soap. I see people constantly caring about others, even to the point of torturing their own souls and health just to be richer than that person. I don’t see this part of life in my own mind. I see a clock. And this clock is counting down my life. And to be honest with you, I will never be an ambitious person. But in society we are made to believe money matters. I feel this is one of the reasons I’m always going to be depressed as I will never be happy working under someone. I’ve read somewhere this has something to do with Aspies. We tend to like to work for ourselves etc? I’m unsure so don’t shoot me! šŸ™‚

It’s quite hard for me to picture myself happy in a job. I find it hard to eat around people and like to be alone. If I’m surrounded by people I feel like the earth needs to swallow me up and I wont eat. I also hate attending those silly work outings. I have never really told anyone about my eating problem. In school I never liked the school canteen because of the noise and people EVERYWHERE!! I obviously didn’t know what sensory overload was at the time but that’s what I was feeling. I would hide in the school toilets if I was alone. I can’t cope well in situations when I’m left clueless and unsure of what to do, so I hide. In my previous work jobs I either would eat alone in the back room or eat outside alone. At one point I had no choice but to eat in a car park šŸ˜¦ So the lunch time thing is a big deal for me.

I also dislike wearing my own clothes in a work place. I feel judged and if I wore what I’d like to wear I’d probably be sacked. I used to hate non school uniform days etc. I just prefer being seen as the same as someone else.

The work place in general is tough. I can trust people too quickly then they turn out to not actually like me much?! So yes it’s not as simple as ‘Argh just pick yourself up and get a job like everybody else’ for me it’s actually quite hard to fit in to a workplace.

So to conclude my little rant tonight, I have decided that when I am healthy and in control of my life I will look into working for myself. I won’t pressure myself to work for power hungry fools. Never. Now I don’t see anything wrong with me saying this but society probably deems it unacceptable. I still want purpose in life and of course I would like a LITTLE bit of money. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want any. I know money can turn you evil, but a little bit is fine. Just to purchase a quickie of happiness is fine in my books.

I know I have quite a lot of Autistic followers here and I would love to hear about your work life. eg, how you cope? what kind of work you’ve gotten in to and any tips on starting a business alone would be lovely! šŸ˜€

That’s all for now folks! Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend!

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8 thoughts on “Will This Aspie Work?

    1. You’re not lame! I don’t think people that work are stupid or anything like that, it’s just I don’t want to live a sad life. I mean it’s not a nice life at the moment but I can’t help but keep thinking about dying and I want to die happy at least!

      If your content in your work that’s all that matters! I want to get into a job I enjoy even if it doesn’t make me rich. I would love to do something I enjoy so I don’t feel angry and depressed all my life!

      We’re all different. I have had some ‘stick’ when I’ve expressed my feelings about work etc with normal people and they bite at me. I’ve often witnessed from these people that work hard and get stressed because of it, they’re not happy in work. Their money is always toward something and I can’t see the logic in doing something you hate just to have money when you could do something you enjoy for less money and feel happier? The problem is, people see with dollar signs through their eyes! I was hoping I’d have some Aspies here to have their say too šŸ˜€

      Hope you are well! And remember you got my email if you need me!

  1. I didn’t find a job I truly loved until I was 47 and haven’t looked back these past five years. The problem is that schools, parents and the media have youth all caught up in their careers. You know, the constant nagging, “If you don’t think about your career and do well in school, you’ll end up pumping gas” is forced down your throat from age 10. I think those who think they know better need to chill and let people find themselves.
    I can see how all this pressure would send most people with Asperger’s into severe overload and it’s not right.

    1. Hey Michael,

      Sorry for long reply, WordPress managed to make my blog disappear for a few days šŸ˜¦

      What is it you do and love?

      Yes I don’t feel schools give out the right message. It gives out the wrong expectations. You have to earn loads, buy a big house, have kids blah blah..

      Yeah it’s quite stressful and it can be hard trying to explain my opinions on this matter to another person that doesn’t understand Aspergers well. I have tried in the past and I still don’t think people feel my reasons are valid. I feel they see me as lazy etc…

      Thanks for this Michael, glad you understand!

      1. Hi Maria, I only just saw you replied on account of your deleted account. I did think that was strange. I work full time with adults whose Asperger’s prevents them from surviving in the world without support. The patience of a saint is needed with many of them and sometimes I get fed up with having to answer the same question 200 times during a shift but I still love it.
        Glad you’re back on line.

      2. Yes, it feels like ages since I was last here. I’m just glad it’s back up and working *wipes brow*. That’s amazing that they are trying to work! I can imagine a lot of patience is needed. Thanks Michael me too!

  2. I started reading your blog after I came across the link on Instagram because the name of your blog includes some of my favorite English words, instinctively had to click.
    Your blog speaks so close to me because I am 22 and am working towards finding a correct diagnosis after a lifetime of other disgnosis that I don’t quite feel are the whole picture, not like that overwhelming this-was-written-about-me-wether-I-realized-it-or-not feeling I have with aspergers information. I have been told by non-professionals or people that have never met me that I couldn’t be if I wasn’t diagnosed as a child šŸ˜¦ very disappointing. Reading about your story gives me a little hope to keep going forward with solving some issues, despite past doctors/diagnosis.
    Now, for this specific article:
    I was “acting” at my job for the last two years. It was EXHAUSTING. My life was getting out of control the longer I had to subject myself to these situations (I worked as a hairstylist, talk about worst job for anyone who has a hard time with people/touch/time management.) Well, I quit my job and now I just make jewelry. I rely on craft markets, online selling and my husband selling his art. I am broke, but incredibly happy being myself all day and shutting down when I need to.

    Sorry this is so long, this particular blog just really spoke to me. (Also don’t know when to shut up :0] )

    1. Hello,

      Thank you for commenting here šŸ™‚ I am so glad that you found my blog helpful and you can always email me if you’d like to talk more privately (address can be found on my about me sec).

      Yes I’m not sure where these people find this information. I have also heard that rubbish about a diagnosis must be made from childhood. In my case, I had many teachers in my infant school try and get me diagnosed for Autism but my parents thought I was just very shy and ‘different’ which was OK.

      Women with Aspergers Syndrome tend to ‘mask’ their condition due to the pressures of society and girls growing up etc. Whereas men don’t have the same pressures as girls in school etc so they don’t tend to bother as much (not all but some).

      This is why I feel Aspergers Syndrome in women isn’t very well understood by society. We mask it so much that we end up with more problems like OCD, eating disorders and depression.

      I also applied for a hairdressing course but didn’t enrol as I couldn’t handle the thought of talking to strangers but my previous job roles have included interacting with customers which really drove me into a deep hole. I haven’t been in work since and only now feel just about ready to start thinking about a suitable role.

      If you could email that would be great actually as I’d like to talk more? Please get in touch šŸ™‚

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