Since my diagnosis last year I’ve learned a lot about Aspergers Syndrome. Before I was diagnosed I didn’t know anything about the condition. I had no understanding of Autism and didn’t really care. I was convinced it was only me that felt this way. I wasn’t happy though, I lived a completely different life on the outside and it started bearing down on me. That’s when I went online and started looking through forums and blogs. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, it wasn’t only me living like this. I related to a lot of the traits of Aspergers Syndrome, some in more areas than others but I knew that was it.
After my diagnosis I thought life would fall in to place and I could finally live life feeling ‘normal’. I started a blog just after I was diagnosed to communicate with others going through similar experiences and people in general. I then started hearing words like echolalia, meltdowns, shutdowns and stimming. I was quite shocked that I experience each of these in some way and never knew why. I have kept these hidden and tend to do them in the comfort of my own home.
I have had plenty of meltdowns growing up but not so many shutdowns. I felt relieved to know the right term for the stressful situations I was dealing with regularly. Through out a meltdown I tend to cry, get angry at the fact I am crying then hit walls, throw things and pull at my own hair. At worse times I would self harm, but I try to avoid this. I often have meltdowns if I find I’m under pressure, going through a bad episode of depression or things change in a way I’m not familiar with. I feel very angry at myself a lot of the time too and feel like a let down. I see myself as happy, excitable Maria. I like to think that person is who I really am. So whenever I have these bursts of anger and shut off from everything and thinking the most dreadful things, I feel like the worst person existing. I’m finding this tough to explain but I’m sure some of you understand what I’m trying to say 🙂
It’s only been quite recent that I’ve had to deal with shut downs. I rarely experience a shut down. When I do have them I tend to feel a strange sort of loneliness, that is welcomed. I like to lock the world out of the four walls that surround me and think. In these moments I tend to over think and that feeling starts to feel foreign. Even though I could feel so lonely I don’t like anyone near me, it’s just waiting for it pass. Wake up the next day like the day before never existed!
Delayed echolalia is something I laughed at when I first heard the term as it fitted perfectly. I often find in my excitable moods I will repeat the same lyric, musical beat, phrase, word or sentence over and over. It’s never really bothered me though to be honest If anything it humours me! I don’t do this everyday. I only really do it when I’m happy or hyper which is good with me.
I haven’t had a meltdown in over a month now which has made me feel quite on top of things, but I still have that worry that I’m close to having one. I now know the signs of one when it’s coming so try to avoid it taking place. I’m hoping that the more control I am of my mind and soul that these will occur less and less.
Thanks for reading guys 🙂