Meltdowns and Shutdowns – Part 1

Since my diagnosis last year I’ve learned a lot about Aspergers Syndrome. Before I was diagnosed I didn’t know anything about the condition. I had no understanding of Autism and didn’t really care. I was convinced it was only me that felt this way. I wasn’t happy though, I lived a completely different life on the outside and it started bearing down on me. That’s when I went online and started looking through forums and blogs. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, it wasn’t only me living like this. I related to a lot of the traits of Aspergers Syndrome, some in more areas than others but I knew that was it.

After my diagnosis I thought life would fall in to place and I could finally live life feeling ‘normal’. I started a blog just after I was diagnosed to communicate with others going through similar experiences and people in general. I then started hearing words like echolalia, meltdowns, shutdowns and stimming. I was quite shocked that I experience each of these in some way and never knew why. I have kept these hidden and tend to do them in the comfort of my own home.

Meltdowns

I have had plenty of meltdowns growing up but not so many shutdowns. I felt relieved to know the right term for the stressful situations I was dealing with regularly. Through out a meltdown I tend to cry, get angry at the fact I am crying then hit walls, throw things and pull at my own hair. At worse times I would self harm, but I try to avoid this. I often have meltdowns if I find I’m under pressure, going through a bad episode of depression or things change in a way I’m not familiar with.  I feel very angry at myself a lot of the time too and feel like a let down. I see myself as happy, excitable Maria. I like to think that person is who I really am. So whenever I have these bursts of anger and shut off from everything and thinking the most dreadful things, I feel like the worst person existing. I’m finding this tough to explain but I’m sure some of you understand what I’m trying to say 🙂

Shutdowns 

It’s only been quite recent that I’ve had to deal with shut downs. I rarely experience a shut down. When I do have them I tend to feel a strange sort of loneliness, that is welcomed. I like to lock the world out of the four walls that surround me and think. In these moments I tend to over think and that feeling starts to feel foreign. Even though I could feel so lonely I don’t like anyone near me, it’s just waiting for it pass. Wake up the next day like the day before never existed!

Delay Echolalia

Delayed echolalia is something I laughed at when I first heard the term as it fitted perfectly. I often find in my excitable moods I will repeat the same lyric, musical beat, phrase, word or sentence over and over. It’s never really bothered me though to be honest If anything it humours me! I don’t do this everyday. I only really do it when I’m happy or hyper which is good with me.

I haven’t had a meltdown in over a month now which has made me feel quite on top of things, but I still have that worry that I’m close to having one. I now know the signs of one when it’s coming so try to avoid it taking place. I’m hoping that the more control I am of my mind and soul that these will occur less and less.

Thanks for reading guys 🙂

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19 thoughts on “Meltdowns and Shutdowns – Part 1

  1. Oh, I did not know the terms of these. I am very much a shutdown type of person. Not so much melt down. Usually when I get the happy mood it ends poorly. Glad to hear you are on top of things!! 😀

    1. I only recently saw them around. I read somewhere that as we grow older some tend to go from meltdowns to shutdowns, I’m hoping that’s what I do 😀

      Why does it end poorly? Thanks Bradley 😀

      1. Oh usually if I feel giddy then it seems like the world turns against me and a thousand bad things happen and I end the day in a very bad mood. That hasn’t happened in awhile though.

    1. Thanks Anna, I feel like I’m rubbish at describing them 😦 It’s hard to explain how I feel a lot of the time..
      I’m glad it’s given you some understanding 😀 It makes life so much easier!!! 😀

  2. It’s amazing how many Aspie stories sound so much like my own. I’ve just been unofficially diagnosed by my family doctor and started the learning process.

    I started a blog for the same reason. I want to connect with others like me. I hope I can help other women going through this. 🙂

    1. I find that too 😀 It actually relaxes me a little to know it isn’t just me that goes through these things..

      If you ever want to discuss it privately I have my email up on the about sec. I found it easier to deal with after communicating with others going through the same situation.

      Ditto 😀 #aspielove 🙂

  3. Yeah, after one gets in their 30’s the aspect of aspergers changes where it tends to get easier to deal with in the negative symptoms, and where meltdowns rarely occur but shutdowns get more obvious. echolalia has spared me fortunately, but the next best thing, racing thoughts is quite hard to live with. The only way to not think is to focus strongly on something, but as soon as there no external stimulus there it goes again.

    1. I’m quite hopeful that the meltdowns will fade into shutdowns. I’ve heard from a few older Aspies that they swayed more towards shutdowns when growing older.

      Do you find if you sit still you day dream a lot? Or is this just me…
      I find if I’m walking or doing things I want to talk a lot and do more but as soon as I’m sat down my mind wanders off. It’s quite annoying sometimes!!!

      But the racing thoughts is second nature to me too, it only bothers me when I can’t sleep at night 😦

      1. If I don’t focus I immediately float away in thought. Forget all around me. Can be even when in action. As I said before, it happens if someone is talking to me and I lose interest my mind floats off & I forget the person is there. Also to the point of forgetting I’m holding something and dropping it.
        Indeed racing thoughts at night is a bit cheaper. I solve it by putting earphones in and listening to talk radio which in time puts me to sleep.

      2. Yes this is what I’ve noticed I do! Haha I thought ‘cheaper’ doesn’t fit….. (stupid predictive text) and yes I listen to music most nights to help me relax too 😀

  4. I have heard of the terms meltdown and shutdown but never fully understood what they were. You explain them very well and I know I have delay echolalia. Words and phrases or even gestures that amuse me will get repeated for months. At times, it got me into bother but in my old age, it happens less often and I can control it better.

    1. I find it very difficult to put into words how I feel etc so I am glad you understood this!!!

      As for the delayed echolalia I find it quite funny too 😀 I always have kept them hidden at home apart from a beat I would repeat if I was hyper around a friend but she found it funny too 😀

  5. Thanks for sharing this great information with us Maria, I found this very helpful indeed as I always do with your posts about Asperger’s and ASD in general.
    I’m so glad that you are doing so much better and it’s great that you have learnt so much which can really help you. This helps me with my daughter too!

    PS
    I’m having trouble keeping up with things at the moment (my middle son is going through a very painful breakup and has moved in temporarilly with us) as my plate is very full so I am catching up as and when I can. I did want to touch base with you though and wish you a lovely weekend and I’ll see you soon my lovely girl 🙂 xxx

    1. Aww thanks Sherri, so glad I could help 🙂 How is your daughter finding the meetings with that DR that specialises in Aspergers Syndrome?

      That’s fine Sherri I understand and right now you have to be there for your son! You’re an amazing woman who I really do look up to. I’m always here and I know where you are 😀 All the best!!! x x x

    1. Thank you Darren 🙂

      I really find it hard trying to explain these things but I’m glad you could get it!

      I’m doing pretty good at the moment, thank you 😀 I totally understand I’m the same with emails etc too 😦 Always here though if you need me 😀

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