Diary Entry – 21/11/2013

For the last month or so I’ve been lost for thoughts. I’ve sat here staring at the screen trying to post but I’ve failed every time. So here is my hundredth attempt….I’ll write it in journal style as it will probably flow easier that way…

Meeting Blue

After meeting him for the first time I didn’t really know what to expect. I had lost all trust in people (especially guys) a few years ago. I remember falling deeper in to depression and feeling like I didn’t like any human being on the planet. I can picture it so clearly in my mind and can still feel that feeling of dread and hatred that I had felt those years back. I didn’t care at that moment in time if I ever saw a man again.

Fast forward the years and here I am now. So let me tell you about this beautiful guy I’ll address as ‘Blue’ here on my blog. After two years of feeling the exact same I knew I had to change some things around. I decided I was ready for dating.

Getting To Know Blue

I actually look back at my first date with Blue and laugh. I was so nervous and worried that he wouldn’t be interested in me. I had thousands of thoughts flying at me constantly. I was unable to sleep or eat properly. I remember being at my friend’s place before hand trying to calm my nerves and receiving the text saying he was outside. My heart dropped. After two years of not dating or being around guys I had to manage a day out with Blue. Well now I am so glad I didn’t back out because he has made me the happiest I’ve felt in years πŸ™‚

Every weekend since our first date we have been in each others company and stay in touch everyday. After the second date it felt like I had known Blue for years. Each time I see him I feel happy and quite overwhelmed with all these new feelings. I remember being really anxious about being in a relationship with a guy and not being able to hold eye contact, but with Blue it isn’t so hard. I can look him in the eye without it feeling forced, which may sound silly to some but to me it’s a big deal πŸ˜‰

New Beginnings/Changes In Routine

Growing up I never knew I had Aspergers as I never knew what it was. I always had problems in school with over crowded dining halls or the sixth form common room. Even after I had left school I couldn’t handle going to a pub. I remember having to go to one before we would go clubbing and it petrified me. Well ever since I’ve met Blue we go to the pub most weekends. He understands my anxiety with these places and is very helpful which makes it easier for me to face my fears. I don’t mind quiet pubs now thanks to Blue πŸ™‚

When asked how I’m feeling it’s usually happy or sad. I find it hard to elaborate on how I actually feel as I’m never really sure myself. I’m very black & white, all or nothing. Each time I’m with Blue there’s a new feeling, a feeling I’ve never felt before. All I do know is that the feelings make me feel amazing and I hope I feel this way forever πŸ˜‰

Dealing With A Shutdown

For the last few days I’ve been dealing with a shutdown. I mentioned in a previous post that I tend to suffer with meltdowns and rarely have to deal with shutdowns. I’ve been trying to understand how I feel and what I’m feeling at the moment and I’m unable to. I sink away from everyone and feel so alone but I know I’m not alone. I tend to doubt myself and everyone around me when I feel this way. I find that all my drive to do better in life fades away and I’m back to square one again.

After scanning through my thoughts bit by bit I have come to conclusion that I’m feeling this way because I feel so happy when I’m with Blue, then when I have to come home to the sameness I feel empty. I also feel like the changes never really sunk in until now. So it’s probably my way of dealing with it all.

Finally Seeing The Beautiful SideΒ 

Having Blue in my life has made me feel ecstatic (yes I had to sit and think about how good he makes me feel πŸ™‚ ). For the first time in years I feel like I have my purpose in life and I am worthy. I feel ready to start building a stable life and future with my handsome man πŸ˜€ I sometimes feel that we were meant to cross paths, he really is the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on πŸ˜‰

I remember Anna Rose MeedsΒ advising me to pay attention to all the beautiful things on earth rather than focusing on the negative. And I really can see the positive side of things now πŸ™‚

~

Thanks for reading guys. I feel like I’ve written this all a bit sloppy without much structure so I apologise for it now πŸ˜‰ I’m just glad I’ve managed to upload a post after all these weeks πŸ˜€

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16 thoughts on “Diary Entry – 21/11/2013

  1. Aw! This post made me so very happy!!! For a while now, I have missed reading your posts. But this made my day. πŸ˜€ I am so very happy for you. Blue sounds like quite the guy. He must be to be with someone as great as you. πŸ˜‰

    1. I’m glad it made you happy πŸ™‚ I thought of your kind words of advice before so had to mention you πŸ™‚

      I’ve been rubbish with posting lately as Blue seems to take up a lot of my thoughts πŸ˜€

      Blue is an amazing guy I feel so lucky to have him in my life too πŸ™‚ I will be making more effort to post too πŸ™‚

      How’s life treating you? I really need to get back to your email I’ve just been so distracted with emails 😦 x

      1. Wow, that sounds so wonderful! Don’t worry about posting though. We love to hear from you but don’t stress about it. πŸ™‚

        I have been doing well. Things are super crazy and tiring but in a good way for the most part. πŸ™‚

      2. I’ll try not to worry! I just hate the thought of losing contact with all you lovely guys I’ve met here because I’ve been lazy with writing lol 😦

        I can imagine!! I feel ready to start looking into work/education after Christmas so I’m sure my life will go a bit out of control but it’s worth the risk πŸ˜‰

        Will email when I get some head space xx

  2. So happy for you my lovely Maria, you deserve it. Blue sounds wonderful! I do relate so much to the shutdowns as my daughter goes through these as you well know. I am here if you ever need to talk … πŸ™‚ xxx

    1. Thank you Sherri πŸ™‚ I feel quite positive about my life for once!

      The shutdowns are very new to me but I prefer them to meltdowns. I’ll probably need some info on how your daughter handles them etc..

      Same goes for you Sherri πŸ™‚ how is your boy doing at the moment? X x

      1. Ahh, that’s so good Maria, except for the shutdowns, but this is probably because you need to recharge. I’ll do what I can to help.

        I really missed you and so glad you are back!

        My boy is doing a bit better thanks. In fact I just posted his latest song you might want to listen to in my post at this link. http://sherrimatthewsblog.com/2013/11/18/smoke-and-mirrors-my-sons-way-back/

        Today he did a guest blog thanking everyone so you can see a pic of him πŸ™‚

      2. That sounds quite fitting actually I probably do need to recharge. I feel a lot better today, in fact last night I was a bit hyper so I’ve probably left that shutdown behind *crosses fingers* haha πŸ˜€

        I missed you all too πŸ˜€ I will probably send you a message over Facebook over the weekend to fill you in on everything πŸ™‚

        I really liked that song! He shouldn’t let that talent go to waste! x

      3. Ahh, I always look forward to hearing from you Maria! Glad too that you are feeling better πŸ™‚

        Thanks too for listening to Nick’s song, it means so much to him with all the suport he’s had!

        Have a really super weekend…thinking of you πŸ˜‰ xx

      4. Ditto Sherri πŸ˜€ It makes my day seeing lovely comments from you πŸ™‚

        It’s my pleasure! Will message you tomorrow if I remember would love to fill you in πŸ˜€ xx

    1. Thanks Tom! I’m finding it all surreal at the moment as I never thought I would be genuinely happy. The shutdowns I feel will pop up more often but I’m just glad it’s not meltdowns!

      How’s life treating you?

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