Over the last six months there have been quite a few changes happening in my life. At the start they were quite gradual and easy to adapt to, but over the last two months there has been quite a lot happening in a short amount of time which has been quite tiring and draining. Even though the changes are very positive ones my hormones have been going crazy and have resulted in having to deal with a few shutdowns. As some of you may know I usually tend to have meltdowns, so having to manage a shutdown has been quite challenging recently.
A meltdown for me is very fast paced, furious and uncontrollable. I am so used to dealing with meltdowns that, believe it or not, dealing with a shutdown now is actually quite draining in itself as I’m not used to the emotions and feelings that come with it. I am quite glad that I haven’t been having meltdowns and it’s mainly shutdowns as I’m not harming myself or others.
Whilst experiencing a shutdown I find that I am unsure about pretty much everything. I feel as if everything around me has no meaning or reason. It’s almost as if I’ve been placed in the middle of no where with just my confusing thoughts & I. I’ve also been finding it quite hard to try and explain to my close friends & family what a shutdown is and how it effects me. It sounds quite simple and basic but to be in a shutdown is very hard and tiring. I have trouble sleeping as it is and a shutdown makes it even harder to get to sleep.
I will try and explain now in as much detail as possible what a shutdown feels like for me. It feels like it falls into my life out of no where as I’m unaware of the warning signs. It’s a feeling I will struggle to put into words. It’s like an annoying mental tick that won’t go away. It feels like everything around me shuts down and I’m all alone in a small room thinking about everything around me in a different way to normal. It feels quite numbing and odd. I often feel to curl up in a ball, squeeze my eyes tightly shut and try turn my mind off. It’s also like a feeling you want to explain but really can’t find the words for it. Very frustrating.
In a shutdown I tend to think too deep about things to the point I doubt myself and those around me. The world suddenly feels negative and there is no purpose for me in it. I know I have close people around me all the time which is reassuring but it doesn’t mean anything whilst I’m experiencing a shutdown. Time ceases to exist. It’s me and the present moment. Thoughts are more realistic than dreamy. The structure I try to build around me and routine seems to disappear which also leaves a negative feeling for hours after.
It’s all quite surreal at the moment as I’m so used to having a meltdown and these shutdowns are just the complete opposite. It’s like my thoughts are in slow motion and I can think every little detail through in my thoughts. The most irritating thing is not knowing why, how or what I am feeling. But there IS some sort of feeling.
No matter how annoying I am finding these shutdowns, they are all worth it for the happiness I’m feeling at the moment.
If any of my followers here or readers experience more of a shutdown than meltdown, I’d love to hear how you handle and control them. It’s all very new to me so I’d appreciate what you all have to say 🙂