Shutdowns And Plenty More Of Them..

Over the last six months there have been quite a few changes happening in my life. At the start they were quite gradual and easy to adapt to, but over the last two months there has been quite a lot happening in a short amount of time which has been quite tiring and draining. Even though the changes are very positive ones my hormones have been going crazy and have resulted in having to deal with a few shutdowns. As some of you may know I usually tend to have meltdowns, so having to manage a shutdown has been quite challenging recently.Β 

A meltdown for me is very fast paced, furious and uncontrollable. I am so used to dealing with meltdowns that, believe it or not, dealing with a shutdown now is actually quite draining in itself as I’m not used to the emotions and feelings that come with it. I am quite glad that I haven’t been having meltdowns and it’s mainly shutdowns as I’m not harming myself or others.

Whilst experiencing a shutdown I find that I am unsure about pretty much everything. I feel as if everything around me has no meaning or reason. It’s almost as if I’ve been placed in the middle of no where with just my confusing thoughts & I. I’ve also been finding it quite hard to try and explain to my close friends & family what a shutdown is and how it effects me. It sounds quite simple and basic but to be in a shutdown is very hard and tiring. I have trouble sleeping as it is and a shutdown makes it even harder to get to sleep.

I will try and explain now in as much detail as possible what a shutdown feels like for me. It feels like it falls into my life out of no where as I’m unaware of the warning signs. It’s a feeling I will struggle to put into words. It’s like an annoying mental tick that won’t go away. It feels like everything around me shuts down and I’m all alone in a small room thinking about everything around me in a different way to normal. It feels quite numbing and odd. I often feel to curl up in a ball, squeeze my eyes tightly shut and try turn my mind off. It’s also like a feeling you want to explain but really can’t find the words for it. Very frustrating.

In a shutdown I tend to think too deep about things to the point I doubt myself and those around me. The world suddenly feels negative and there is no purpose for me in it. I know I have close people around me all the time which is reassuring but it doesn’t mean anything whilst I’m experiencing a shutdown. Time ceases to exist. It’s me and the present moment. Thoughts are more realistic than dreamy.Β The structure I try to build around me and routine seems to disappear which also leaves a negative feeling for hours after.

It’s all quite surreal at the moment as I’m so used to having a meltdown and these shutdowns are just the complete opposite. It’s like my thoughts are in slow motion and I can think every little detail through in my thoughts. TheΒ most irritating thing is not knowing why, how or what I am feeling. But there IS some sort of feeling.

No matter how annoying I am finding these shutdowns, they are all worth it for the happiness I’m feeling at the moment.

If any of my followers here or readers experience more of a shutdown than meltdown, I’d love to hear how you handle and control them. It’s all very new to me so I’d appreciate what you all have to say πŸ™‚



18 thoughts on “Shutdowns And Plenty More Of Them..

  1. As you know Maria, I only know about these ‘shutdowns’ and the effect they have on my daughter and from my point of view I always feel so helpless when she goes through them. It brings me down because I can’t help her, only other than providing a safe, secure homelife for her so that she knows that I’m here anytime she needs me.

    From her point of view, I’m sure that she would explain it in just the same way as you have here, not that this is much help to you, sorry ;-(

    On the other hand, I’m so pleased for you that things are going as well as they are in your personal life πŸ™‚

    1. You’re doing a good job πŸ˜€ I’m sorry I didn’t message you totally forgot but will do it in a second πŸ™‚ Will fill you in on everything πŸ™‚

      It’s fine Sherri, I have spoken to a few people on Twitter over the last few days who have said similar things so I don’t feel so alone..

      Haha thank you πŸ˜€ I am too πŸ™‚ Always nice to hear from you! I’m sorry I haven’t been checking out your blog much or ‘reader’ as I haven’t been online as often as I used to, but that will change soon x x x

      1. Don’t you worry Maria – you take all the time you need. You know where I am when time allows and I will reply to your FB message later on today my lovely lady πŸ™‚ xx

      2. No rush Sherri, just wanted to fill you in on everything πŸ™‚ Your advice would be much appreciated though πŸ˜‰ Speak soon x x

  2. I find that prevention is the key. There is no amount of training, therapy or what not that is going to desensitize to information overflow. Which is a limiting factor on one’s life, but i see it as any other with a handicap. It’s just something you can’t do. So by evading triggering places/events i got a lot less shutdowns.

    In those cases i can’t evade, for example the really annoying habit my wife has of recounting the whole day in bed just before going to sleep, i use evasive tactics such as putting in earphones and listening with half a brain for keywords to grunt to.

    In the cases i do feel a shutdown coming on i take meds. I found that taking 0.5 mg of Xanax tends to disperse the build up of total shutdown.

    Real Meltdowns i haven’t had for 30 years.

    1. How do you know when a shutdown’s coming? Can you read the signs yet?

      Have you not told your wife that it annoys you? I would have to say something, but if putting earphones in is easier then fair enough πŸ™‚

      What is Xanax?

      I’m hoping the meltdowns are a thing of the past now too! Thanks for posting πŸ™‚

      1. I think it’s individual how a shutdown is announcing itself. With me it’s a sense if my skin stretches over my skull and a feeling of annoyance/irritation which builds up. I get tetchy and even less capable to handle smalltalk.

        No i didn’t tell my wife. When i told her i had aspergers she flatly denied it and refused to listen. She just laughs it away. So no point

        Xanax is a benzodiazepine. Tranq, morthers little helper

      2. Yeah I agree.

        How does that make you feel when she laughs it away? Why do people deny it though? I never understood that..

        Never heard of them, I’ll mention them to my GP lol

      3. I feel a bit denied. But at the same time i realize its some form of selfdefense mechanism to not consider me mentally ill.

        GP’s don’t like people asking for drugs specifically by name. Better look on the net. Here in France it’s easy to find a doctor who’ll prescribe almost anything, they’re love their drugs.

    1. How do you cope through them and how long do they tend to last with you? Do you know what triggers them?

      Sorry for the questions I’m just curious at the moment as they’re new to me!

      I can’t seem to concentrate on things other than writing at the time so maybe that’s what’s good for me? I doubt I could read a book 😦

      Always here if you need me Bradley! Thanks for passing by always nice to hear from you.

      1. Stress, too much stress triggers my shutdowns.. or being around family too much, that can do it too.

        As to coping, I do not do a very good job. I think the best thing is just talking with people. Eventually I pull through.

        Thanks Marie! πŸ™‚

      2. Yeah I’m starting to see the signs too now. One of them being, when I’m with the boyfriend I’m happy and not worrying about anything. I feel relaxed and content. Then he goes and it’s like I hit rock bottom for a few days. I’m sure it’s the changes too.

        I like to talk to people too, I try to talk to my mum about it but she doesn’t understand what I’m trying to explain lol!

        All the best πŸ˜€

  3. I Meltdown and I ShutDown, On a Regular Basis.
    I am Lucky to have a Deeply Forgiving and dedicated Partner, Although this does not make our relationship immune to the Stress this causes Our Union. I Am Better in some ways and worse in some ways.It is all Very Long in the tooth and I fear/believe that i will be battling some sort of melting down or shutting down for the rest of my life.
    Recently, Though I have come to listen to Caroline Myss and Pema Chodron and I have found renewed direction for Helping myself and Relief.
    I Listen to Pema Talk about Getting Unstuck…….CAroline Myss I have been listening to Channeling Grace.
    Now, Both of the Healing authors have Volumes to listen to, this is just what I have tuned into Most Recently. I amMore than willing to talk at depth with you. Feel Free to contact me!!
    Kat Harris

    1. Hi Kat,

      Thanks ever so much for sharing this with me πŸ™‚ I appreciate it..

      How do you and your partner pull through?

      This is also one of my fears. I think I can handle the shutdowns throughout my life but the meltdowns are just unbearable! I haven’t had one in months now but I still feel that they’re lurking around the corner..

      I will send you an email in the next few days as I’m struggling to keep up with online stuff at the moment 😦 Thank you for leaving your email with me and I will definitely get mailing soon πŸ™‚

      All the best Kat x

  4. It’s so good to read your blog, because you put words to things I can’t. And I learn more about my Aspergers by learning about yours. So thanks! I’ve never really know the difference between meltdowns or shutdowns, or even that they were typical aspie things. What I know is that life is hard, and life with Aspergers is harder, and it’s good to finally get some words or explanations for things I’ve never read or known about, just experienced. Keep blogging.

    1. Hey Marie,

      It’s really quite challenging trying to put it all in to words. It never feels ‘enough’ to describe how I am feeling or what I am going through.

      I’m glad you have learned more about your Aspergers! If anything I felt relieved when I saw that I could relate to others etc..

      If you ever want to talk privately I have my email in my ‘about’ sec

      All the best!

  5. The first time my husband had a shutdown, I looked across at this face, it was closed and tight and sort of white. Kind of like he was cross. So I asked him what was wrong, (ummm, I was 18 years old) and he said nothing was wrong and that he couldn’t talk about it. So I said, “OK.” I didn’t know until much, much later that it was the right answer, (for him.) And when he came out of it, he told me about how it felt, how he couldn’t communicate and how talking to him made it worse. So we discussed how best to deal with it in the future and within a few years, he stopped, mostly. Once he was “out of the shutdown” he could talk about it, but not when he was “in” it. If I see them now, coming on…esp in company, I “rescue” him. Sometimes quite rudely! I don’t know how an Aspie manages who has a partner who won’t accept his condition, it must be very hard

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