It’s crazy how life can change so quickly and unexpectedly. It was only earlier this year I was still struggling with depression.
Depression isn’t something easy to explain or to be understood. It’s something that creeps up on you. It slowly takes over your mind and lifestyle and there’s not much you can do about it. You can get in to denial and believe your life is how you want it to be, but it’s not long before it all comes crashing down.
Depression varies with each person. Not everyone with depression experiences the exact same thing. But those who do suffer tend to have a lot in common with other sufferers. It’s not as simple as not being to get yourself out of bed first thing in the morning or going to the local shop looking scruffy. Some people will be suffering and look completely normal, dressed up everyday, smiling at work to please those around them or making jokes with friends.
HOW DEPRESSION AFFECTED ME
In my later teens I developed depression and I was very much in denial about it. To be honest it’s not something I wanted to tell everyone about, I mean how do you drop it into a sentence casually? It really didn’t sit well with me and my pride. I didn’t want to have this horrible word describing me. I couldn’t understand how someone like me could have something like ‘that’ but it’s something I’ve accepted now.
For what feels like years I lost all motivation in life. I had no drive left and questioned everything around me. It was starting to drive me crazy. I needed all the answers. I wanted to accomplish so much in life but lost the strength to even care. My life became a never ending chore, just to be existing. I started to feel that no one or anything was on my side and it was me against the world.
As I sit here now and type this it feels quite surreal. I’ve come quite far in the last 6 months. I never ever thought I would ever be genuinely happy again. I used to be afraid of getting myself out of depression in case it was waiting to get me again. I can still feel how I felt and the thoughts I used to think of constantly still sit fresh in my mind, but I’m quite determined now to face it head on.
Earlier this year I became close friends with a family friend. A sufferer of depression herself, we both aimed to help each other out the best we could. Apart from my therapist I never really went in to detail about the depression it was something I was happy keeping behind closed doors. So finally being able to tell someone I knew and could relate to all the small and large areas in which depression affected me was a big relief in itself. By just talking to my friend about it and trying to give her strength too, it was making me feel stronger. It gave me a purpose in life again, just being able to try and help someone else dealing with similar issues as I was.
Then a few months later I met Blue. He treated me like a person, not someone who had ‘problems’. He didn’t judge me, knowing that I have Aspergers Syndrome & ADHD. We started dating and doing things I actually enjoyed. I have always been scared of pubs. I hated crowded small places where I can’t focus on anything. So from a young age I avoided them. That’s until I met Blue 🙂 My fear of entering pubs isn’t so bad and I can now walk in to one without worrying too much. I also have always wanted to go to a gig and watch bands perform, but I was nervous yet again. Well last weekend I managed my first gig and I absolutely loved it!!! In fact, I can’t wait for our next one 🙂
After doing just those few things which may sound minor to some but they’re big steps for me, I feel that I can overcome a lot more. My world doesn’t feel so enclosed. After making our relationship official I also felt a sense of responsibility and a reason to change my lifestyle for good. Over the past 2 weeks I have met Blue’s parents and some family who are all lovely. That’s something I always get really anxious about but I still pushed myself to do it and came out feeling great! I couldn’t of done any of these things without the help Blue & my friend have given me along the way.
A FUTURE WITHOUT DEPRESSION?
I can now say that I feel I am beating depression. I still find it hard to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I still have down days but with the help of those around me I’ve been able to change some things and do more which is making me feel happier. I’m not sure if I could of done any of this alone, well to be honest I doubt it. I probably would still be in the same situation.
I’ve been having less meltdowns and more shutdowns which I’m quite content with. I’ve found love and a wonderful future with a handsome man and trust and understanding with my close friends. I still fear that depression is hanging over my shoulder but with these people around to keep me on the right path I’ll always have faith in a positive future.