When I met Blue in October he mentioned that he would be spending the Christmas holidays in Australia. Back then it didn’t really bother me as it was so far away, but over the few months feelings started to develop and I really enjoyed spending time with him. Every weekend was different from the last and some were really out of my comfort zone. I was pushing myself in to situations I never thought I would be able to achieve, but Blue gave me the confidence and encouragement that I would be able to do these things.
Over the last month or so I have been dealing with shutdowns. They would appear whenever I left Blue and was alone with my thoughts. I would go from being ecstatic and hyper with Blue to depressed and moody as soon as I left him. These shutdowns usually last around 3 days and then repeat themselves the week after.
Having to deal with shutdowns a lot recently have made me feel exhausted, so knowing Blue was leaving for Australia made me feel quite relieved to have some time to myself and to think about my future with him. I felt like I needed some time to adapt to my new life style and to understand my feelings towards him better. All I do know is that the feelings I do feel are new..I’ve never fallen in love with any one and everything with him is overwhelming in a good way..
Last weekend was my last time with Blue before he flew out. We discussed the fact I’d probably be dealing with shutdowns a lot and that it will all be OK in the end etc..I wrote him letters to read through out his holiday and reassured him I’d still be here when he gets back. So when I arrived home, there were no shutdowns just relief that I can sort Christmas out and get it all out of the way and get on with gym etc..
But it hasn’t stayed that way. Since he left on Wednesday I’ve had shutdown after shutdown. It’s been horrible! I never thought I’d be this bad 😦 I never realised how much I needed him in my life and his support. I’ve felt so alone and my self esteem has dropped back down. And all I want more than anything is for Blue to be back here! I have cried and felt angry that I feel so excluded and angry that I feel this way. It’s been tiring and jaw grindingly tense.
I feel a lot better today, after sleeping the whole day away. I have never felt so exhausted! I am no longer in a shutdown but I’m ready for them now and after hearing from Blue the other day I feel reassured that everything is good and there’s no need for me to panic or feel anxious.
Sorry guys if this is poorly written, it’s all a bit rushed as I won’t get it all down otherwise 😦