Who’s To Blame? Me, Of Course!


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Aspergers Syndrome – Immaturity in adults

Tonight has been an odd one.. I came so close to a meltdown it was literally right there. Somehow I managed to control the boiling point and stop myself from harming. Since realising that I was in depression I’ve lost myself in a big world and almost felt non-existent. Without realising my confidence and self esteem drained and left me with nothing but a dark mind and sour heart. Everything that made me angry was someone else’s fault. I blamed everything and everyone, but myself.

So yet again tonight my mother raises her voice at me, which instantly makes me go into fight or flight mode, usually fight mode. Suddenly I’m telling her she should have used contraception and how irresponsible she was having a child (me). I start blaming her for meeting my father, having sex and bringing me into this world. I then tell her it’s her fault I get the urge to self harm and at this point I can feel heat flowing all over. I’m so so close, that I could literally take the stairs and do it quickly and feel relief.

But tonight I didn’t do that. For the first time in ages I took a few seconds to think about the reason I am happy now and have come so far. I remembered the hurt in Blue’s voice when I mentioned in a drunken conversation I have self harmed. It wasn’t just myself I was hurting now so I stopped. I almost put myself to bed just to wake up to a new day but, I told myself I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and confront the situation. So instead I am blogging. Giving you all an insight to the immaturity of an Aspie 😦 I really do not expect sympathy or to be praised for not doing so because I know it’s very childish and so typical with Aspergers Syndrome.

Aspergers Syndrome – Melting Down

In previous posts I have discussed meltdowns and shutdowns and how they effect me. From a young age I seemed to react to pretty much everything that put any strain on myself with a meltdown. I never felt comfortable with myself on the ‘outside’ world which consisted of any area outside of my house. I was too embarrassed and ashamed for anyone to see me go through a meltdown. I saw a meltdown as a weakness. Behaving like an insane child over something someone probably wouldn’t understand.

According to family members, as a child, my meltdowns were very angered based and resulted in me repeatedly kicking the doors off the hinges and telling my parents they should die. As I grew older it remained the same but it wasn’t only doors I was kicking, it also became walls, hair ripping, scratching and punching myself. I never ever took a step back and analysed what I was doing to myself or others. It became very normal ‘just one of those things’.

Dealing With Aspergers Syndrome

It’s only been this last year that I have been trying to understand Aspergers Syndrome and why I can’t handle certain situations and end up having a meltdown. Growing up hasn’t always been too comfortable. Having a mother who has always been very strict on manners and being polite when meeting people has made life easy in ways but only harder afterwards. Making effort to communicate with people I couldn’t care less about drains me resulting in sleeping constantly or going through breakdowns.

The thing is with Aspergers and society is, there can be so much acting. We pretend we care about the topic of conversation someone is talking about, when we’re already thinking about what the plan is for the day. We mimic peoples facial expressions when we have no idea how we should react. We laugh along to bland jokes and sarcasm, actually unaware of the point and certainly not finding it amusing. We agree with rubbish statements as it’s easier that way, who wants to be bored listening to our opinions?

I’ve recently found myself in situations where I am trying to describe what Aspergers Syndrome is and how it effects me. I’ve found it very hard to include the not so nice parts as I’m still doing that ‘acting’ thing *sighs*. Luckily I do have people around me that I am 100% myself around even though it has irritated them countless times I feel content I can be me 🙂 Although my journey over the last year and a half have been very tiring and dark, I’ve learnt so much about this disorder and have finally emerged out of my fake shell in to my own normal person.

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20 thoughts on “Who’s To Blame? Me, Of Course!

  1. Oh my goodness. You have no idea how helpful this post is. I struggle with meltdowns although they are getting better. It is so hard when I hurt my family because of them. Before reading this, it seemed like I was all alone. You are not alone in these feelings! Thank you so much for being honest! Also, way to go not self-harming! That is huge!

    1. I’m so glad that it has been helpful! It was quite a tough one to write as I feel quite silly and immature but it’s what we can be like.

      It’s all thanks you to you that I feel I can be honest! Without you’re feedback and wise words I wouldn’t of been able to…

      Speak to you soon x

  2. Very well written. Sorry for your daily struggles. You will be in my thoughts, wishes, and prayers. Believe in yourself. Ok. Keep your head up high. Carry the light. The fire. It’s inside of you. Everyone. Never let I go out. Harness that energy. Surround yourself with good, positive people. Smile. Keep your head up. And you be you. ✌️❤️

    1. Thank you 🙂

      As always your warm comments fill my mind with happy thoughts and that I am grateful for 🙂 I am definitely surrounded by positive people now that want the best for me and it’s showing 🙂

      Thanks again and please, don’t be a stranger!

  3. I am so thankful to be able to read what you share in your posts about your reality with living with Asperger’s. You have really hit the nail on the head about being able to be who you really are and why making small talk and having to be on your best behaviour for social situations is so exhausting. I try to explain this to people about my daughter so many times. I’m not sure they really understand though so it is frustrating. Thank you for sharing your heart Maria. You have great support in your family and friends and that is what I strive to provide for my daughter too. You inspire me 🙂 xo

    1. Hey Sherri,

      I knew this one would mean something to you especially with your girl. It’s naturally harder for women to cope with Aspergers as we tend to hide it rather than embrace it. So we may come across pretty ‘normal’ but on the inside we are dying.

      Yes I have found that many people can’t understand it and I often feel silly trying to explain how it feels to have Aspergers and how we struggle in life because the majority of the population are always struggling. I suppose it’s just the way our brains react is different to others and instead of finding it tough we find it draining and unbearable at times. Even that doesn’t come close though!

      Your daughter will come along with baby steps. That’s all it takes. I won’t tell you it will be easy as I would be lying. What I can tell you is that there will be a time, when she’s ready, where she will make steps and before you know it she’s flying by.

      Always here if you need me, and as always…you inspire me! 😀 Stay smiling x x x x

      1. ‘So we may come across as ‘normal’ but on the inside we are dying’. This is what it is like for females especially with Asperger’s in a nutshell Maria. You write so elequontly about the reality of what it is like to live with it and in such a profound way. I feel priviliged to have met you here as I know that every day life is a huge challenge to you yet here you are, sharing so honestly and in such an articulate way so that we here can learn just what it is really like.
        Thank you so much for all you say about my daughter, you encourage me so much.
        Lovely Maria, have a truly wonderful weekend with your Blue and see you soon 🙂 xxxxx

      2. It sounds silly but I feel silly trying to explain to people how I struggle when I’m trying to act normal and ‘tough’ in the real world. They never take us seriously if we look ‘OK’. I feel very privileged to have met you here too 🙂 Honestly you all bring me back to life and it doesn’t feel so lonely anymore knowing we can relate in many ways!

        I have faith in your daughter pulling through, I never ever thought I’d progress to be honest and I’m still terrified of going into work and having to deal with lunch times but I’ll cross that hurdle when it comes. It just takes a lot of support and understanding, she will get there when she’s ready.

        I will message you when I have some mental space 😀 Take care and lots of love 😀 x x x x x x

      3. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Much love and thank you Maria for all you say and don’t worry about work, as you say, all in good time and with the right support in place and I take great encouragement from you for my daughter so we help each other. xxxxxxx

      1. from what i’ve learned from my time as moderator on aspie forum 30ish is the time the aspie brain stabilizes. Regardless therapy or not. Personally i found this also to be so.

  4. It is difficult trying to explain what it feels like. If you don’t experience it, you don’t really know. I have friends, even sisters, that have self mutilated. It’s true that it doesn’t just affect you. It hurt me every time I saw a new cut or scratch on my sister’s arm or leg. I often saw what they were hiding from the rest of the world. I wondered what kind of pain could cause them to want to do that; then, when I experienced that pain, I wondered how they had the courage to do that. In the end, I figured out a way to deal with the pain and stress. The way that you’ve grown makes me proud. You should be proud of yourself too.

    Always,
    Allie.

    1. It is very hard to explain especially when it’s hard to understand a lot of emotions and feelings yourself 😦 I never really cared about anyone’s feelings in the past, until now. I wouldn’t want them to feel that I don’t care about hurting them as well as myself.

      Thank you Allie 🙂 I feel a little stronger than before but I still have these days/weeks when it all comes crumbling down. The difference is though, I now have hope.

      You know I am always here if you need me & you have my email…

      All the best girl x

  5. Wow! Extremely accurate description of what I have experienced throughout my teenage life! God has given me so much peace in those moments because He cares to show us what He sees beyond our perception of reality in the heat of moments. Keep posting! You are doing great!

    1. It’s quite horrible having meltdowns, I’ve heard some Aspies grow out of them and sway more towards shutdowns which I would prefer 😦

      Thank you 🙂 don’t be a stranger

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