Aspergers Syndrome – Immaturity in adults
Tonight has been an odd one.. I came so close to a meltdown it was literally right there. Somehow I managed to control the boiling point and stop myself from harming. Since realising that I was in depression I’ve lost myself in a big world and almost felt non-existent. Without realising my confidence and self esteem drained and left me with nothing but a dark mind and sour heart. Everything that made me angry was someone else’s fault. I blamed everything and everyone, but myself.
So yet again tonight my mother raises her voice at me, which instantly makes me go into fight or flight mode, usually fight mode. Suddenly I’m telling her she should have used contraception and how irresponsible she was having a child (me). I start blaming her for meeting my father, having sex and bringing me into this world. I then tell her it’s her fault I get the urge to self harm and at this point I can feel heat flowing all over. I’m so so close, that I could literally take the stairs and do it quickly and feel relief.
But tonight I didn’t do that. For the first time in ages I took a few seconds to think about the reason I am happy now and have come so far. I remembered the hurt in Blue’s voice when I mentioned in a drunken conversation I have self harmed. It wasn’t just myself I was hurting now so I stopped. I almost put myself to bed just to wake up to a new day but, I told myself I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and confront the situation. So instead I am blogging. Giving you all an insight to the immaturity of an Aspie 😦 I really do not expect sympathy or to be praised for not doing so because I know it’s very childish and so typical with Aspergers Syndrome.
Aspergers Syndrome – Melting Down
In previous posts I have discussed meltdowns and shutdowns and how they effect me. From a young age I seemed to react to pretty much everything that put any strain on myself with a meltdown. I never felt comfortable with myself on the ‘outside’ world which consisted of any area outside of my house. I was too embarrassed and ashamed for anyone to see me go through a meltdown. I saw a meltdown as a weakness. Behaving like an insane child over something someone probably wouldn’t understand.
According to family members, as a child, my meltdowns were very angered based and resulted in me repeatedly kicking the doors off the hinges and telling my parents they should die. As I grew older it remained the same but it wasn’t only doors I was kicking, it also became walls, hair ripping, scratching and punching myself. I never ever took a step back and analysed what I was doing to myself or others. It became very normal ‘just one of those things’.
Dealing With Aspergers Syndrome
It’s only been this last year that I have been trying to understand Aspergers Syndrome and why I can’t handle certain situations and end up having a meltdown. Growing up hasn’t always been too comfortable. Having a mother who has always been very strict on manners and being polite when meeting people has made life easy in ways but only harder afterwards. Making effort to communicate with people I couldn’t care less about drains me resulting in sleeping constantly or going through breakdowns.
The thing is with Aspergers and society is, there can be so much acting. We pretend we care about the topic of conversation someone is talking about, when we’re already thinking about what the plan is for the day. We mimic peoples facial expressions when we have no idea how we should react. We laugh along to bland jokes and sarcasm, actually unaware of the point and certainly not finding it amusing. We agree with rubbish statements as it’s easier that way, who wants to be bored listening to our opinions?
I’ve recently found myself in situations where I am trying to describe what Aspergers Syndrome is and how it effects me. I’ve found it very hard to include the not so nice parts as I’m still doing that ‘acting’ thing *sighs*. Luckily I do have people around me that I am 100% myself around even though it has irritated them countless times I feel content I can be me 🙂 Although my journey over the last year and a half have been very tiring and dark, I’ve learnt so much about this disorder and have finally emerged out of my fake shell in to my own normal person.