Depression is that word smothered in black. Not everyone understands it and not many like to be labelled with it. It took me pretty much all of my teenage years to realise that I myself was suffering with depression. During that time life flew by me like a blurry image. I couldn’t take anything in because I wasn’t able to do anything. ‘Life’ consisted of staying up really late unable to sleep due to crazy thoughts taking over my mind and waking up in the late afternoon to still fall back asleep as I saw no reason to be awake. There wasn’t much to live for. Other than that I would get addicted to going to the cinema or seeing my friends, anything to distract my mind from the darkness it was caught in.
It wasn’t until June last year when my mother had to fly to the Philippines to see family that everything changed. I didn’t know how I’d cope without the closest person to me, being half way across the world for three weeks! That’s where Michelle comes in. She comforted me and I felt able to confide in her about all of my depression which I hadn’t been able to tell anyone else. We both were going through similar problems and instantly connected. I didn’t feel alone or misunderstood then.
Whilst spending every day with Michelle talking for hours about life, depression and where we would like to be in life I started to find myself waking up easier as I had something to do that day. In time I was able to lose weight (that was gained whilst going through depression) and with the help of Michelle, we set small goals to aim for every week. I’d never had so much support from a friend whilst going through a hard time but it’s probably where she understood what I was going through she found it easier to help me.
As time went by I met Blue. It was only at this time that I realised that I was more happier and settled. I had a little more confident and the thoughts of dying etc. had disappeared. Blue is everything I’ve ever craved in a man, and more. He has helped me gain more confidence to go out more and do things I’ve always to do. The depression is still here and will take time to be rid of completely (if possible) but I’m feeling a lot more in control of my thoughts, life and future.
The problems I am finding at the moment are more social based. Ever since I’ve met Blue I have thrown myself into situations I’d usually run and hide from. Meeting the parents for example, I set a role play in my mind of the way I have to interact with them. So once the day is out of the way and I see them for the second time I have a mini panic attack inside as I forget what I have to do. I know it will get easier and become normal for me to do.
Over the year I’ve been invited along with Blue to a few occasions which has already sent me to panic mode. I’ve already started planning escape plans (obviously the ladies for a few minutes :D) if it becomes unbearable and ways to disguise my red cheeks if I feel pressure and want to cry. Then with that comes, how can I wear my hair that hides some of my face so I’m not too open or what dress can I wear so I feel comfortable enough to be there and not want to rip it off. Then there’s the force of eye contact. With new people it’s harder to maintain but it has to be done or they will think I am rude. Then there’s the eating routine of not mixing certain foods and eating one section at a time. I just can’t cope!!! I know that I’ll feel a bit better having my boy with me but it will exhaust me months before and take a week to recharge again afterwards 😦
The thing that makes me laugh is, I actually love being invited out to events etc. I just never know if I can manage it at the time. I know that once I meet more people and become friendly with them I can handle it in the future so I have to get the meeting part out of the way. *grits teeth* I will get there eventually! 😀
If you’ve managed to read all this & I haven’t bored you all, please, if you have the time let me know how you deal with these sort of situations. I’d love to hear and any advice is welcome 🙂