09/02/14 – Diary Entry

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Today was a shit day.

This fucker called depression is really starting to get on my last nerve. One minute life is like a daisy filled bright sunny picture, the next it’s a dark and gloomy box..but this box is no ordinary box, it’s a fucking cave I can’t find the escape route out of. You always hear of depression always being there. It never really leaves. Today it really made it obvious to see it wasn’t going anywhere too soon and was ready to fuck up my whole day.

It all started so beautifully. Waking up to a brighter day with Blue and planning a chilled day out at the pub to watch the football match. After having a successful evening at the cinemas the night before (despite flooding causing a long journey home) I was in a pretty bouncy mood. I was ready to take on the day.

Arriving at the pub is always daunting at first but once we had sat down I felt relaxed as it wasn’t too busy. After half an hour more and more people piled in bellowing with laughter at all different angles. Then some idiot decides to put some music on the juke box. It all became too much and there it was….sensory overload. The urge to cry came so I made a dash for the ladies and cried like a little bitch. I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t beat that feeling and battle through.

By the time it started to die down I started falling into exhaustion and lost all concentration altogether. I felt like launching my phone at the wall and screaming. It’s crazy how alone you can feel even with loved ones around. I started feeling very tense and my insecurities ate me alive. I doubted Blue and I doubted myself. I needed to crawl into my bubble and escape a day.

Since meeting Blue I’ve tried very hard to disguise my Aspergers. I push myself into situations having to deal with the consequences of shutdowns, meltdowns and exhaustion. He thought I handled everything well, that was until today. I have never felt so gutted that I was falling backwards instead of making progress I was fucking up big time.

I can’t understand why normal people do some of the things they do. It leaves me drained trying to figure it out to be honest. This is always going to be a hurdle for Blue & I. It will take me some time to understand the way he is and the things that he does, which are pretty normal. Tonight I felt like turning my phone off and shutting myself away from the world. If this was a few years ago it would of been the case and I couldn’t of cared for anyone and how I was hurting them. But now I do have people in my life that really do care it’s proving to be tougher than I thought.

It’s never easy battling with a disorder like Asperger’s Syndrome. Days like today I could fall behind and not give a damn. It has really been a struggle and I just hope I can wake up feeling refreshed and more in control tomorrow. Right now my body is just….tired. My mind is completely wrecked and bruised. I’ve lost all self worth and I’ve decided I’m going to make it this weeks goal to work on building that back up.

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15 thoughts on “09/02/14 – Diary Entry

  1. Keep up the hard work, I can tell it is paying off. Moments like this happen to us chronics. It sucks but beating ourselves up for it only makes it worse. Sounds like you have a great plan, keep at it!

    1. So good to hear from you Bradley!

      It’s much harder than I imagined. I think I get ahead of myself and believe I can conquer the world then it all fails and I’m done.

      How’s life treating you?

  2. Avoiding sensory overload is my only solution. Or get plastered. The latter i did too often so now the first is my only option. It doesn’t get better with more ‘training’ that’s BS. One just has to accept it and live with it, not fight it. That way you can’t lose.

    1. Yeah I tend to escape to the toilets if it’s something too unbearable. Haha yes getting plastered is also a great way to escape, used that method several times.

      Yeah I definitely can’t imagine there being a way to train yourself to be OK in these situations. Great advice sir hope one is well..

      1. Sir… Please 🙂 one is well! After all these years it’s just as difficult as before. Don’t waste your time on ‘cure’…. Avoidance is best method to stay stable.

      2. Haha good stuff 😀

        Yeah I have realised that it’s never going to get easier… I’m just sticking by good friends and great support.

  3. Oh Maria, only just read this today, Monday, been away for the weekend and away from blogging. I know you have been having a really, really rough time of it. I hope that today you are more rested at least and able to build yourself up little by little… It is so hard when you do leave the house because of all the sensory ‘stuff’ that hits you like it has here at the pub. Keep talking to Blue, keep talking to your support people and to us…you know I’m here and on FB…massive hugs and love to you…xxxxxx

    1. Hey Sherri,

      Feeling a lot better today and now I am clear of that horrible situation. Don’t worry about not commenting, you’re here now 😀

      Yeah Blue has been just a god send, he’s really something else that boy lol! I wouldn’t be able to cope without you all and it’s always appreciated 😀

      How was your weekend away?

      Big hug and loads of love x x x x x x x

      1. Ahh, that’s so good, great to hear! I knew that Blue would come through for you, and everyone here too. I am so proud of you 🙂

        A good weekend thanks, a friend’s birthday. Lots of dancing, which I love to do 🙂

        Loads of love to you too Maria,…. xxxxxxxxx

    1. I think I may be taking on too much though 😦 Taking a few steps back once this weekend is over..
      Thank you Anna 😀
      How is you & your Blue? I still haven’t received an email explaining all?! 😉

  4. Be strong.
    Never give up.
    Know thyself.

    There will be ups and downs in this life. That is certain.
    You know where your comfort manifests itself.
    Sometimes you do need to shut the world out and spend quiet time to yourself. Listen to music. Write. Or simply watch and study the world as you quietly sit in the background.
    Doing good, genuine deeds for people will show unconditional love, and the rewards from that is priceless.
    Sometimes, if I’m feeling run down, I will put on my headphones and face the sun. The sky. The moon. The stars. Just to let me know how small I am and how big this world is. Regardless, we can all make a difference in this world.

    Music is my therapy.

    But life is a battle of the mind and the soul. The light and the dark. Stand your ground. Realize your triggers. Face the world with your head held high and never let the world tell you how much you are worth. Everyone is unique in their own way. Every soul is precious. Continue to be strong and never let the forces of the world steal your joy. If something controls your joy, then, in the end, it controls you.
    Be strong.
    Believe in yourself.
    Step away from this world when you feel overwhelmed and take a breath.
    Breathe.
    Close your eyes.
    Connect to your soul.
    And know that, one day, if not today, everything will be ok.

    In the end, everything will be ok. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

    Believe!!!

    1. Thank you Vernon 😀

      Your wise words always come at the right time…Really needed that.

      I’d also like to see more videos on your page!! 🙂

      Take care of yourself and keep smiling!

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