Today was a shit day.
This fucker called depression is really starting to get on my last nerve. One minute life is like a daisy filled bright sunny picture, the next it’s a dark and gloomy box..but this box is no ordinary box, it’s a fucking cave I can’t find the escape route out of. You always hear of depression always being there. It never really leaves. Today it really made it obvious to see it wasn’t going anywhere too soon and was ready to fuck up my whole day.
It all started so beautifully. Waking up to a brighter day with Blue and planning a chilled day out at the pub to watch the football match. After having a successful evening at the cinemas the night before (despite flooding causing a long journey home) I was in a pretty bouncy mood. I was ready to take on the day.
Arriving at the pub is always daunting at first but once we had sat down I felt relaxed as it wasn’t too busy. After half an hour more and more people piled in bellowing with laughter at all different angles. Then some idiot decides to put some music on the juke box. It all became too much and there it was….sensory overload. The urge to cry came so I made a dash for the ladies and cried like a little bitch. I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t beat that feeling and battle through.
By the time it started to die down I started falling into exhaustion and lost all concentration altogether. I felt like launching my phone at the wall and screaming. It’s crazy how alone you can feel even with loved ones around. I started feeling very tense and my insecurities ate me alive. I doubted Blue and I doubted myself. I needed to crawl into my bubble and escape a day.
Since meeting Blue I’ve tried very hard to disguise my Aspergers. I push myself into situations having to deal with the consequences of shutdowns, meltdowns and exhaustion. He thought I handled everything well, that was until today. I have never felt so gutted that I was falling backwards instead of making progress I was fucking up big time.
I can’t understand why normal people do some of the things they do. It leaves me drained trying to figure it out to be honest. This is always going to be a hurdle for Blue & I. It will take me some time to understand the way he is and the things that he does, which are pretty normal. Tonight I felt like turning my phone off and shutting myself away from the world. If this was a few years ago it would of been the case and I couldn’t of cared for anyone and how I was hurting them. But now I do have people in my life that really do care it’s proving to be tougher than I thought.
It’s never easy battling with a disorder like Asperger’s Syndrome. Days like today I could fall behind and not give a damn. It has really been a struggle and I just hope I can wake up feeling refreshed and more in control tomorrow. Right now my body is just….tired. My mind is completely wrecked and bruised. I’ve lost all self worth and I’ve decided I’m going to make it this weeks goal to work on building that back up.