A relationship was never going to be easy for me. Sticking to a routine is easy when you’re alone. Having no pressure in life or any unnecessary situations thrown in my direction. Personally I’ve never really done the ‘relationship thing’. It’s something I’ve craved but something I’ve never found myself in. Deep down I know it’s because of the pressures I knew I’d find myself in.
I’ve found that I never liked to emotionally give myself away to people. I liked to keep a lot of things locked away to myself. I’d escape the dark days with a close friend of mine and everything would vanish. After a few years I realised I doted on my friend. She would meet me after work knowing I needed some support as I didn’t cope well. She always was there when I’d cry over silly things and always made life easier for me and the asperger’s. As many people will grow older they decide on doing big things like moving out. I didn’t take too well hearing my friend wanted to move away. I was in tears about it for days as the change was too much to handle and deep down I knew it was because I did rely on her being there for me. Even though we didn’t discuss the depression often she knew enough and that was enough for me.
After booing like a baby about the conversation of moving out I managed to block it out for the time being. I did tell my friend in the end that I couldn’t handle her moving away and leaving me with no one to confide in. She told me I would be fine and by the time she would move I would meet a nice man that would be calm and just what I need in life. I didn’t believe her, I thought she was full of sh*t. I had been over two years without much contact with men and was happy that way. I didn’t want to attach myself to someone. I wouldn’t say I had commitment issues it’s more the change and if I had to change some things it may not work out in my favour.
Now I’m a little older I’ve realised a lot about myself. I do need people to support me. I do need to open up more about how I feel, just to realise I am not the only one that has battled depression. I need to let people in and ever since I have had friends that make the effort to make my life easier my life has become more stable and comfortable to cope with. I never liked the idea of relying on anyone as I felt too superior mentally. I thought I could fight my own war with life not realising I was actually fighting myself. I am now more grateful than ever to have great people in my life and can appreciate them all.
I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I never understood the connection needed with people. I never understood things like sex. I treated it like I treat most things in life – an act. Do the same thing without much thought, as long as it’s perceived as ‘normal’ I will be fine. So I never really could relate sex with anything but the word sex. This is pretty personal but I’m sure some of you Aspies can relate?
So once I met Blue I treated it like a theatre show. Do what ever it takes to come across as normal as possible. Battle through awkward situations I’d rather die than be in and pretend to be happy. What I didn’t realise was that….by actually being in Blue’s company I was genuinely happy. In time I relaxed and didn’t feel like I had to pretend. He understood that I had asperger’s syndrome.
The problem I’m finding at the moment is that I can’t hide my meltdowns all the time. If we are in public places and I feel uncomfortable I can’t conceal it for long. I’ve also noticed I hold on to little things and can’t understand some of the things he does (which I’ll add is perfectly normal things) so I end up opening my mouth and throwing it all out there. I think now I’m falling into a routine with Blue which is mainly seeing each other on weekends, one week at mine and the next at his, I feel more comfortable to be myself. So he is seeing me become more withdrawn the longer I spend with him as some times I’m drained. He’s noticing me become spaced out when in crowded places or when I can’t take in what he is saying with all the little annoying noises in the background catching my attention.
I say these are all problems only because I feel he deserves better sometimes. I often lay there and think he could have someone perfectly normal with no stress or hold backs. Yet at the same time I find myself falling deeper in love and wanting him to stay with me. As much as I’m finding it hard sometimes to adapt to this thing called ‘love’ I do enjoy spending time with Blue. As cheesy as it may sound, he literally takes away all of my tension, stress and worries. He gives me hope and encouragement to make the most of my life. So I now know to ignore these annoying thoughts nagging at me.
I try to be as open as I can be with these blog posts. This one I would say, for me, is very open. I would never touch over subjects too personal for Blue as I know where the line is with us.
I am curious to hear from my fellow aspies here about their relationships and the ups and downs of it…how they cope etc. I will leave it here for now and at the moment I am quite content with everything around me so will make the most of it all π