Diary Entry – 23/02/14

Everything was so perfect…..

x

I envy those with a stress free life and those who can appreciate each day like it’s their last. This is something I struggle with. I rarely wake up and seize the day or appreciate each breath inhaled as if it’s my last. I wake up and want to go back to sleep again. I don’t see much point in living sometimes. I waste away the days and never seem to bothered about them never being lived again. This only happens when I am depressed.

I’ve posted so many times about this topic but I can never get beyond the surface. Combine asperger’s syndrome, OCD, ADHD & depression together and you have yourself one fucked up cocktail….add a sprinkle of love and everything seems peachy perfect, but this combination of baggage never seems to disappear completely. This is what I am struggling with at the moment.

When I look back at the posts I’ve written in the past I can’t help but feel like I’m reading a rollercoaster ride..one day I’m up, the next I’m down. I often question myself and wonder why I blog. Who am I talking to and who cares? The answer I’m still finding but what I have noticed is that my written journal isn’t so cluttered and I feel less alone knowing people can relate here.

So lets get down to business. Today, I woke up feeling, like shit.

It was one of those days where my head rested to comfortably on my pillow which led to me feeling obliged to stay in bed a little longer (hours longer). I find myself losing myself again to those negative thoughts and then find myself wanting to eat anything that will comfort my anxiety. So there I go taking myself on a walk trying to gather my feelings and find myself trying to work out a plan. A silly plan that is. The nagging thought starts plotting how I can hospitalise myself so I don’t eat. I tell myself that taking an overdose won’t be enough to kill me but enough to stop my sugar cravings for three days or so.

*takes a few hours break from blogging….*

Hello again πŸ™‚ So it’s funny really….I was in the midst of a shutdown earlier and now I’m feeling in control. I am finding this all so strange! I often doubt myself and punish myself. I give myself goals that I really aim high to achieve and when I go through a shutdown it’s like everything crumbles away as if it never existed. I know myself too well and know it would take a lot for me to go through taking an overdose and these thoughts are not so regular. But there is always that worry that I could get weaker and may not be able to control myself anymore.

I feel quite guilty tonight whilst typing this. I feel like I have let down those who have supported me. But I have learned from this experience that, those who have been there 100% are worth too much to lose. They give me the strength I need to think more rationally. Since being in a relationship I have learned to be less self centred and I naturally feel a genuine care for someone. I would never want to hurt him or put him through the crazy rubbish I float through.

Over the last year I have also learned so much about myself. Enough to know that tomorrow is a new day and I will most likely wake up feeling bouncy and hyper..or I could feel empty and low but it’s still a new day and it’s going to be different from this one (I hope)

So, I went ahead with this post. It’s probably a personal one for me but like I’ve said from the start..I am trying to be more open and if it means airing my weak points I will do it (probably in hope that people out there can relate) Sorry to those that I have bored to sleep πŸ˜€ I already feel quite happier after speaking to my friend and thinking in depth about that man I love. Good night all πŸ™‚

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6 thoughts on “Diary Entry – 23/02/14

    1. Ahhh I feel like I’m a big let down. Today I woke up and I’ve been strict on myself, putting more work in with my healthy eating and went to the gym. Just trying to keep my mind occupied. How are you? Did you see my email? x

  1. there are days often ware you will be feeling shitty .it is just like

    feeling snotty nosed ,DO NOT BE AFRAID too say how you feel.what you are

    feeling,.if you do not say HOW CAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ,HOW CAN PEOPLE HELP

    what about taking part in research.

    have you had any trouble with Anorixca  .eating disorder

    i am here if you would like too chat

                      mark________________________________ > Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 01:57:32 +0000 > To: mkentdad12@outlook.com >

    1. Yes that is very true. It’s easier here as many can relate, but on the outside world I find it quite hard to express to peoples faces. I like to write. Yeah my dad takes part in research so might look into that too. What sort of thing do you have to do for research? questionnaires?

      I’ve never had anorexia, I tend to eat too much when stressed. Then I tend to think of ways to get rid of what I’ve just eaten. I’ve never gone through with anything yet though.

      Thank you that is great, will email soon.

    1. Ok great can’t wait to see it πŸ˜€ Speak soon and thank you Sherri πŸ™‚
      Big hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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