Everything was so perfect…..
I envy those with a stress free life and those who can appreciate each day like it’s their last. This is something I struggle with. I rarely wake up and seize the day or appreciate each breath inhaled as if it’s my last. I wake up and want to go back to sleep again. I don’t see much point in living sometimes. I waste away the days and never seem to bothered about them never being lived again. This only happens when I am depressed.
I’ve posted so many times about this topic but I can never get beyond the surface. Combine asperger’s syndrome, OCD, ADHD & depression together and you have yourself one fucked up cocktail….add a sprinkle of love and everything seems peachy perfect, but this combination of baggage never seems to disappear completely. This is what I am struggling with at the moment.
When I look back at the posts I’ve written in the past I can’t help but feel like I’m reading a rollercoaster ride..one day I’m up, the next I’m down. I often question myself and wonder why I blog. Who am I talking to and who cares? The answer I’m still finding but what I have noticed is that my written journal isn’t so cluttered and I feel less alone knowing people can relate here.
So lets get down to business. Today, I woke up feeling, like shit.
It was one of those days where my head rested to comfortably on my pillow which led to me feeling obliged to stay in bed a little longer (hours longer). I find myself losing myself again to those negative thoughts and then find myself wanting to eat anything that will comfort my anxiety. So there I go taking myself on a walk trying to gather my feelings and find myself trying to work out a plan. A silly plan that is. The nagging thought starts plotting how I can hospitalise myself so I don’t eat. I tell myself that taking an overdose won’t be enough to kill me but enough to stop my sugar cravings for three days or so.
*takes a few hours break from blogging….*
Hello again π So it’s funny really….I was in the midst of a shutdown earlier and now I’m feeling in control. I am finding this all so strange! I often doubt myself and punish myself. I give myself goals that I really aim high to achieve and when I go through a shutdown it’s like everything crumbles away as if it never existed. I know myself too well and know it would take a lot for me to go through taking an overdose and these thoughts are not so regular. But there is always that worry that I could get weaker and may not be able to control myself anymore.
I feel quite guilty tonight whilst typing this. I feel like I have let down those who have supported me. But I have learned from this experience that, those who have been there 100% are worth too much to lose. They give me the strength I need to think more rationally. Since being in a relationship I have learned to be less self centred and I naturally feel a genuine care for someone. I would never want to hurt him or put him through the crazy rubbish I float through.
Over the last year I have also learned so much about myself. Enough to know that tomorrow is a new day and I will most likely wake up feeling bouncy and hyper..or I could feel empty and low but it’s still a new day and it’s going to be different from this one (I hope)
So, I went ahead with this post. It’s probably a personal one for me but like I’ve said from the start..I am trying to be more open and if it means airing my weak points I will do it (probably in hope that people out there can relate) Sorry to those that I have bored to sleep π I already feel quite happier after speaking to my friend and thinking in depth about that man I love. Good night all π