The fucked up thing that gets to me the most is: we have to die.
Now after thinking about death nearly every night for a few years I have come to the conclusion that, I am not scared of how I die or when I die. I am frightened of being alone when I do pass away. I can’t bear the thought of having no one at my side in my last hour. I don’t want to reflect on a life lacking fulfilment. These thoughts always made it into my mind every single night without fail. It was only when I read a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle that the fear of dying this way subsided.
The reason I am writing about death tonight is because it’s quite fresh in my mind. The other morning my father asked if I still had thoughts of preferring to be dead. My father & I rarely ever discuss our emotions, feelings or anything that concerns mental health. When he asked me this blunt question I found myself laughing inside. Was that really me thinking those crazy things?! I openly responded and explained that since meeting Blue everything has changed. I’m not that person who sees no point in living any more.
We then got on to the topic of committing suicide. See, no matter how often I would get thoughts of escaping earth somehow, I knew I wouldn’t take my life. The reason why I would not like to take my own life is because I feel that we can not control our own destiny in life. If I was to kill myself tonight, a big opportunity could pop up a day later. I know you may be thinking ‘but she wouldn’t know, because she would be dead’ but we don’t know that. I never commit myself to religion or spiritual beliefs I am just open minded and believe that anything can happen. I can’t bring myself to choose when my time is up as it’s not my choice. Well some may say that it can be my choice but I am against that.
After this discussion I found out that my father too planned his suicide. After he had made a cup of tea and smoked a roll up he was going to end his life. Only a few days later realising he had forgot all about it and he was glad he didn’t go ahead. Call it fate, call it what you like, but there goes my theory. One day of sadness is enough to make you want to escape but the next day is a new one and we never know how we are going to feel then.
I have played with my own fate. In my darker days of depression I would think of dying often. Instead of plotting ways to kill myself I would take walks alone late at night and walk with no destination. I would walk out in the road without looking in hope of being hit ‘accidentally’ or walk down dark alleys to be attacked by some horrible human being. Maybe I was making excuses for myself for not wanting to die just yet.
Tonight I have been thinking a lot about Blue (not that I don’t sit and think of him every minute of the day). I realised that I don’t think of death in the same way. I am no longer worried about dying alone because hopefully Blue & I will last and in this present moment he is in my life and I am happy so I don’t need to panic over that one. I do still have one anxiety with dying though. I am scared of dying and leaving Blue behind or Blue dying before me. I’m sure I am not the only one that frets over this?
Ever since I’ve met this amazing man he has brought me nothing but happiness. Even when I put stress on him when going through a shutdown, he understands and tries hard to make me settle. He is the most thoughtful man I have ever met and always surprises me 🙂 I mean not only is he the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, he has the purest heart. Tonight I feel very appreciative and feel like I can never thank him enough for just being there and making me smile (even when I’m in a mood).
So now, I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of what I could be leaving behind.
This post is lacking structure (I know!) Sorry guys it’s a rushed one. Let me know your thoughts on death. I’m all eyes 🙂