Love Notes, Keys, Black & White, Dash of a shutdown & Blue..
I have never met a human being like Blue. I sometimes wonder if he actually exists in this world and that he isn’t a perfect image I play with in my mind. I knew that getting myself into a relationship with someone that I needed would be pressurising and I feel that Blue understands this. It’s not that I feel pressured in to doing things as I want to do these things, it’s more of a challenge. I’ve gone from living like a hermit for 3 years to going out most weekends.
Every week the same pattern occurs. I see Blue for a few days and I’m the happiest woman on earth. Then he leaves and a shutdown takes over my life. I’ve opened up to him about these shutdowns and how I feel when going through one. I can never explain in enough detail how they do affect me though. It’s so much more than feeling weird feelings I can’t explain or understand. I want to distance myself from everyone. Even the sound of my father walking around the house disrupts my thoughts and makes me want to scream. I am yelling in anger in my mind telling my parents to not speak to me, because if they do I will explode. They haven’t done anything at all, I just can’t understand at the moment why I need to be so alone in these times. Yet, when I am alone I feel like I’m an alien again and I’m not supposed to be on this planet.
In a relationship these shutdowns can really pull me down. I often get thoughts of turning my phone off until it ends. I want to disconnect from everything. The strangest thing is that I can’t seem to do it. I would never put Blue through that and I know now that these shutdowns are only temporary. They tend to last 3-4 days. By the forth day I am bouncing off the walls with excitement to see my love.
I’ve recently explained to Blue that, I can’t help having shutdowns and that I act out of character because of them. I felt quite guilty putting him through it all as he is pretty normal, it’s hard for him to really feel how I feel. It’s like having another mind take over your whole body for a while and you have no control over it.
What Blue did next shocked me. He recommended taking up a hobby that would take my mind off the shutdowns and depressing thoughts and I instantly thought of playing the keyboard. As a child I would play it constantly and found it very relaxing. I mean, I was no Beethoven but I enjoyed playing music and since my parents got rid of my old keyboard I stopped playing. So anyway, throughout the week Blue had told me that he had two surprises for me. I had no idea what they could be so thought I’d give him a little surprise – I wrote an encrypted letter for him to try and decipher.
So yesterday I woke up excited knowing I was seeing Blue & was very curious about these surprises. I decided to cook him a chicken and bacon pasta bake for him when he arrived here from work (with candles) :D. He then text me asking me to come and get the surprise, which was a Yamaha keyboard! I was so overwhelmed that he had thought of buying me one that I couldn’t express enough how ecstatic I felt.
I just can’t get over how far he went out of his way to make life easier for me. Having not much of an understanding of shutdowns and meltdowns he wanted to help in whatever way he could, which to me shows his inner beauty. The man I fell in love with is just more than perfect, and I don’t care that some idiot said ‘perfection doesn’t exist’ because it does in some ways 😀 Oh, and he had booked us tickets to see The Afghan Whigs in July! 😀
After discussing how I felt during the week we both agreed to try harder to make each other feel less stressed. I am now going to work on controlling the shutdowns more. If I let them control me, one day I will mess up things and there is only so much someone can put up with BS.
To sum this up.. I have now learned that not all humans are evil or weird. There are people that do genuinely care and will help if they can and really mean it. I grew up not understanding people and why they were all so similar. I started painting bad pictures of everyone but myself (because I was an alien obviously) :D. I now know that I was very ignorant and have a lot to learn. I am very thankful for the help I’ve received from those over the past year. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without them all 😀
Tonight I will be learning as much as I can about playing the keyboard again and making a list of songs I want to learn 🙂