Diary Entry 25/03/14

Rosa Cluster Damask

I apologise for not posting as often as I would have liked to here but I have my reasons *clenches jaw*.

I’ve been going through one of my phases. From a young age I would go through phases of wanting to be around people and then there would be periods of time that I would shut myself away from people. It’s that time again. I can only manage a few hours maximum around friends. I doubt everyone around me and to be honest I’ve always had problems with trusting people and, that’s not just friends it’s pretty much everyone.

I find that with asperger’s syndrome there are times I want to be around people and find happiness in doing so but it’s not long until I find myself shutting off from the world and spending as much time alone as possible. I’m not sure what sparked it this time although I’m starting to believe it could have been the anaemia and feeling lethargic a lot of the time. It’s also my turn to travel to see Blue this weekend which means at least three days before hand doing nothing and recharging so I have the mental output of travelling on a train and being around people I wouldn’t normally be near.

I was thinking the other day…Am I always going to struggle to have a ‘social’ life when I’m back in work?! Being around people is exhausting yet I still hope I can be as normal as possible. I look at these people who work a 9-5 then go straight to the gym to then head out for drinks and feel tired just thinking about it but I wish that could be me. Maybe if I work in an environment with less people I will feel less exhausted and can go out with my friends and partner without any bother… We shall see what the future holds!

Anyway on a brighter note I’ve lost more weight and with that comes confidence. I finally feel content with myself at the moment. I’m also meeting up with an old school friend which I haven’t seen in 13 years! I am really looking forward to seeing her as it’s been so long and I’m sure we have lots to catch up on.

I’ve been setting myself small goals so they’re realistic and doable. I have missed blogging and often have had the urge to post in the past two weeks but have been too tired to. It’s been hard to blog mainly because I find I’m more relaxed and creative at night but where I keep feeling tired by 7pm I haven’t had much time to dedicate here! I’m feeling much better today and have some iron tablets if needed so you guys will be seeing more of me!

In the mean time fill me in on your lives and how you’re all doing at the moment? I also feel quite guilty of not tweeting often and feel a bit of a loser now! I will try hard to tweet more! 😀

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9 thoughts on “Diary Entry 25/03/14

    1. Yep bearing that in mind 🙂 Cheers Michael, how’s life treating you at the moment? Yeah same! sometimes I find I can get into a routine, but all it takes is a few shutdowns or events that take my mind off it then I’m posting less and less 😦

      1. Life’s ok at the moment, thanks Maria. I know what you mean about shutdowns and events. Sometimes I feel like I’m swallowing myself whole at times.

  1. Hi Maria, and lovely to see you here but don’t worry, we do understand. There are some good, positive things going on in your life which I’m pleased to hear and you can be so proud too! I think that yes, there will always be things you will struggle with (and I can relate both from my daughter’s perspective and my own) but you are learning what works for you and what doesn’t and if that means you have to prepare for days ahead to travel on the train or take time out after a few hours of visiting with friends then so be it. The people in your life right now seem like they all understand that and in that respect you are lucky. One of the reasons my daughter pulled out of having a social life (other than online) altogether is because she didn’t have the right people in her life and she felt constantly pressured to be just like them as they made no effort to support her. Very sad but true. I hope that down the line this will not be the case for her and I take great hope from you! So far as working, that is something you will have to go step by step with. There is a new programme called Dimensions which works with the Job Centre one on one with those who need extra support getting back to work. Don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not but might be worth looking into when the time is right. Keep smiling lovely Maria, and get the rest you need. Much love to you…xxxxxxxxxx 🙂

    1. Hey Sherri!!!

      So nice to see you here and hear from you 🙂 I had a face to face assessment thing today for work, was so horrible. Luckily I had a lovely woman interviewing me but I’m just glad it’s over. They never make it easy for us 😦

      Yeah same I’ve decided that the only way I’ll feel more happier and myself in life now is having people that understand or try to understand me. It will be hard but after reading a book on how to be true to yourself etc it’s a step I’m willing to take!

      I can understand Aspie D and her worries too, she should blog I’m sure she’d relate to so many of us 😀 I like having a few friends and online friends it’s easier that way!!! And you can meet great people here!

      Ooo that sounds quite interesting and helpful! I’ll definitely look into that, although the Job Centre always sparks my anxiety! 😦 I’ll go with mum one day 😀

      How’s life treating you at the moment? Hope you’re all well! Loads of love!!! x x x x x x x x x x x x

      1. Hi Maria! Oh that’s stressful isn’t it? I hope that good things come from it. Do look into Dimensions, you just never know 🙂 Aspie D finds the Job Centre so stressful too so I always have to go with her.

        I’m glad you are doing a bit better, taking things one step at a time. Things are well here at the moment thank you for asking. I’ll message you back soon, sorry I haven’t done before now but I will!!!

        Loads of love to you and hope you are having a good week. 🙂 xxxxxxxxxx

  2. don’t worry about it, I’m often the same, slacking on the blogging etc, my stream has suffered too last few weeks, I have coming to the realisation that people, as much as i can be a people’s person sometimes hold me back, i put others before myself, this means I don’t sleep as often/well as i’d like. So look after number one!

    1. Ahh it’s terrible I just don’t have the energy to give myself to anything lately. Yeah I will try, I need to sort out some sleeping pills too that’s for sure!

  3. Hi Maria 🙂 I found this post really interesting to read and can relate to a lot of what you said here, about finding social situations exhausting and having to shut yourself away from time to time. I’m in my final year of university now and in the time I’ve been here, I’ve made some really good friends and currently sharing a flat with three others on my course. However, socialising and meeting new people is something I still find difficult even now, and I’ve accepted it’s something I’m never going to completely overcome but something I have to live with and manage with. I seem to get exhausted by social situations too, perhaps because of the level of noise and because I’m constantly trying to read all the different social cues that seem to come more naturally to others. I finish university soon and currently trying to apply for work, and I worry that I will struggle to find work or cope in that type of environment. I’m determined though to not let my difficulties keep holding me back. It’s great that you share all these obstacles you face and I hope you keep posting and inspiring 🙂 Dean xx

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