The last few months have been…different. For the last 2-3 years I’ve been hiding away in a dark gloomy corner deep in my mind. Telling myself it’s OK to live everyday without much purpose because I was going to die soon anyway was my way of coping at the time. Thoughts of dying daily and the last thought at night are now behind me. I finally feel free.
As many with depression will know, it’s never easy opening up and being 100% honest with those closest to us. If we delve deep into the darkness we are vulnerable and attention seekers, if we don’t discuss in detail we aren’t suffering enough to be depressed. It’s easier dealing with it alone and for me, healing alone.
Over the last year I’ve tried to be more open about who I am and gradually tear myself away from the mask I hid behind for years. I’ve never really taken the time to reflect on my life until these last few weeks. Looking back over the year there were a few people in my life that really stood out and went out of their way to support me. I was never able to trust people or their motives. I always had my guard up but I haven’t had to do that now.
The word ‘friend’ never meant anything to me. I didn’t know what a friend was. I relied solely on myself for years. Acting as a friend to many when I had no idea what I was doing or getting myself into. It’s taken until now for me to understand what a friend really is and how they can actually make me a happier person without added stress. It’s hard to tell anyone about my asperger’s without them not fully understanding.
I am far from perfect. In fact I am really hard work and probably a responsibility to some of my friends but this is me. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hide any more. Some people have accepted that and some haven’t which I can understand. I’ve had to make some hard decisions lately but some leafs need turning.
I’ve made so much progress over the year and have tried new things. I have been trying to cleanse my inner self and invite in some light. I’ve not been a nice person since the depression started and I want to change that. I feel that with the help and support from my close friends I am capable of achieving anything and that inspires me.
This post is about finally realising I am in control of my own life and I will only do what makes me happy from now on. It’s a very selfish move but it’s something everyone has to do in their life at some point when they accept some things aren’t right. I am enjoying my journey with Blue and experiencing love has opened my eyes to a wider world beyond that dark corner I hid in.
I used one of Paulo Coelho’s quotes today as it’s quite fitting. The last few months have been testing me in many ways and I am very aware of this. I am also grateful for these little tests as they have given me the strength to battle my fears and given me a clearer view of what I need in my life.
Thanks for reading guys and I apologise for the lazy writing structure. V tired tonight. Have a fun week!