All You Have To Do Is Pay Attention….

Paulo Coelho - The Zahir

The last few months have been…different. For the last 2-3 years I’ve been hiding away in a dark gloomy corner deep in my mind. Telling myself it’s OK to live everyday without much purpose because I was going to die soon anyway was my way of coping at the time. Thoughts of dying daily and the last thought at night are now behind me. I finally feel free.

As many with depression will know, it’s never easy opening up and being 100% honest with those closest to us. If we delve deep into the darkness we are vulnerable and attention seekers, if we don’t discuss in detail we aren’t suffering enough to be depressed. It’s easier dealing with it alone and for me, healing alone.

Over the last year I’ve tried to be more open about who I am and gradually tear myself away from the mask I hid behind for years. I’ve never really taken the time to reflect on my life until these last few weeks. Looking back over the year there were a few people in my life that really stood out and went out of their way to support me. I was never able to trust people or their motives. I always had my guard up but I haven’t had to do that now.

The word ‘friend’ never meant anything to me. I didn’t know what a friend was. I relied solely on myself for years. Acting as a friend to many when I had no idea what I was doing or getting myself into. It’s taken until now for me to understand what a friend really is and how they can actually make me a happier person without added stress. It’s hard to tell anyone about my asperger’s without them not fully understanding.

I am far from perfect. In fact I am really hard work and probably a responsibility to some of my friends but this is me. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hide any more. Some people have accepted that and some haven’t which I can understand. I’ve had to make some hard decisions lately but some leafs need turning.

I’ve made so much progress over the year and have tried new things. I have been trying to cleanse my inner self and invite in some light. I’ve not been a nice person since the depression started and I want to change that. I feel that with the help and support from my close friends I am capable of achieving anything and that inspires me.

This post is about finally realising I am in control of my own life and I will only do what makes me happy from now on. It’s a very selfish move but it’s something everyone has to do in their life at some point when they accept some things aren’t right. I am enjoying my journey with Blue and experiencing love has opened my eyes to a wider world beyond that dark corner I hid in.

I used one of Paulo Coelho’s quotes today as it’s quite fitting. The last few months have been testing me in many ways and I am very aware of this. I am also grateful for these little tests as they have given me the strength to battle my fears and given me a clearer view of what I need in my life.

 

Thanks for reading guys and I apologise for the lazy writing structure. V tired tonight. Have a fun week!

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6 thoughts on “All You Have To Do Is Pay Attention….

  1. I love what you have written: It’s hard to tell anyone about my asperger’s without them not fully understanding.

    Exactly.
    It is hard to share our struggles when on the outside, we often appear so “normal” to people. Since my diagnosis, I have joined online groups and ‘met’ other Aspies. I finally feel like I have people who truly understand me. If Aspies had a motto, I am positive it would say “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean!”

    I am not sure how old you are, but when I was younger I was so naive. I wanted to believe everyone was good. No one would hurt others just to hurt them, right? Wrong. Experience after experience left me feeling like I could not trust anyone. My walls are high. I’m not sure they will ever come down completely. Such a shame too. I was such a sweet person then. ❤ So nice to meet you! I'm following your blog. Can't wait to read more!

    1. Thank you 🙂

      Yeah I must admit, WordPress has saved me in so many ways. I don’t feel alien-like any more (well not so much) 😀 I’ve noticed though from a young age I’ve ‘clicked’ better with older people and I’m unsure why? Maybe because there isn’t that ‘clicky’ situation going on? Are you the same?

      I was very naive and feel that I still am. I have a long way to go but I’m learning. Yeah I kind of felt the same and got hurt which resulted in me not trusting or liking people in general. I’m not so bad now though but can definitely relate there.

      I’m sure you’re still a sweet person 🙂 Don’t beat yourself up! 🙂

      Nice to meet you too 🙂 Did you receive my email?

  2. Thanks for sharing all you did here Maria, you are very honest and open with all you write and this is beautifully written. Love the quote, and so timely and true. You are truly an inspiration to me for my daughter. Have a great week my lovely lady,,,,much love to you… Sherri 🙂 xxxxxxxxx

    1. Thanks Sherri 🙂 I’ve noticed every week is changing at the moment and things seem to be happening for a reason…like the universe knows I’m ready to move on. Ahh I’m glad, hope you and the family are all good? 🙂 Lots of love! x x x x x x x x x x

  3. It’s great you have now found happiness in your life and found the strength to move on. I finally realised only recently that rather than choose to let all the negative opinions I have had to come up against my whole life hold me back, it is me who has the power to shape my life and no one else. You can’t believe in anything until you can believe in yourself. Rather than let negativity weigh you down, you can choose to make a positive out of it and I realise it is these obstacles that make me stronger as a person, and make me more grateful for all the good things I have in my life now.
    I remember when you commented on one of my posts last year that you mentioned you had never been in a relationship up to then, so I’m happy you have finally found someone and wish you the best of luck. It gives me extra belief that one day I can find the same happiness with someone as you. All the best, Dean 🙂 xx

    1. Thank you Dean! Exactly, sometimes you have to put yourself first and to be true to yourself you have to do these things. That’s very true! Only we can put our goals into action and no one else 🙂

      Oh yes I remember that comment! Thank you very much! Of course you can, it may not come by so easy but it will eventually 😀

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