It’s been 4 weeks into my new job.. I am no longer the night owl but I still hate waking up in the mornings. I’ve converted into a coffee drinker first thing and eating fruit throughout the day to give me energy. I feel like a new person. I dreaded the day I’d have to work again as I never seemed to settle or feel completely at ease but the managers are amazing and everyone seems pretty friendly.

For the first time in years I feel I have something to give and something to prove to myself, being: I am capable of doing anything I want to achieve. I enjoy having something to wake up for and look forward to my daily texts from Blue to keep me going. I enjoy the independence I now have and the responsibility I am given within the company.

I haven’t had much free time to blog as I usually get home and want to put my feet up, relax and see my friend/surrogate mother Shelly for a coffee. I did think to myself, what shall I do with my blog.. Shall I keep it or destroy it? Obviously I will not destroy it, I’ve made that mistake in the past with journals. I came to an easy decision of keeping this and writing in here whenever possible.

Ok, so I’ve had a few days holiday from work so went up to Liverpool to celebrate Blue’s grandparent’s Diamond Wedding Anniversary. I stayed two nights and had a great time there. I probably had a few glasses too many but it helps me communicate with strangers better πŸ˜€ So what the hell! We came home today after visiting Chester on the way home for lunch, which was delicious.

I must admit, once I woke up this morning I knew I was shutting down. I felt absolutely brain dead. I couldn’t force the energy to talk as much as I probably should and do this thing where I kind of resist people. I can’t control what thoughts are whizzing around my mind and I can’t control my mouth from exposing them. It’s awful. I know this feeling when it comes and still can’t fudging control it. I am much better now anyway that I have my music at hand and loads of tea and relaxation.


I haven’t blogged in so long that I haven’t introduced you all to my friend Fiona who is new to WordPress. I met her just over a year ago and she has taught me many things since. We have a lot in common from our pasts and both have an interest in anything creative. She is a talented writer who I’d love you all to meet. Find her blog here: www.finmackenzie.wordpress.com


Thank you for reading everyone and I hope you have a good start to the week. I can finally say after all of these years I am proud of myself for turning my life around. There are still many things I’d like to work on but like my friend Shelly says ‘baby steps…’



12 thoughts on “20-10-2014

  1. Good to hear from you again. After 59 years i still haven’t found a way to handle Shutdown except alcohol. Which is a bummer because, well, being an alcoholic isn’t exactly a better place to be. So shutdown it is. And believe me I’ve tried everything under the sun.
    The only thing that makes the whizzing thoughts go away for me except for alcohol is xanax. It breaks up the train of thought in incoherent bits. But that’s only practical at night.
    It’s something one just has to learn to live with.

    1. Hi there, I’m not sure if you still blog (I will check this week) but I have decided to keep this blog going and aim to blog as often as I can. Yes, unfortunately I resort to food with my shutdowns but trying to control that now. We all have that ‘something’ to get us through them. Yes I am still learning, drugs seem to make everything worse for me. I’ve had to decrease my dosage on all of my pills to keep me sane or I go a bit loopy and drowsy.

      Hope to hear from you!

      All the best.

      1. Hia , I do still blog but am a bit to lazy to write really myself. Also everytime i have an idea for a piece it seems someone else thought of it before making it even harder to write.
        Next to that i’m sinking slowly into apathy not seeing the point anymore.

        Not depressed, just pure logic telling me in view of my health & suffering at 61 that comes with it one day in the not to far distance i’ll reach the day the balance of positive/negative becomes negative.

        At present it’s neutral. My pills to keep me sane luckily work fine, i guess although others might differ of opinion πŸ™‚ , and by mixing various prescription drugs i discovered a way to keep side effects minimal and positive effects optimal.

        I’m happy to hear you’ll blog again, i’ll be reading with interest.

  2. Well done Maria! You have every reason to be proud of yourself as it seems you have accomplished a lot since your last post. Don’t worry about posting frequency because whenever you post, I’ll be here to read it.

  3. You are doing wonderfully well dear Maria, always so lovely to see you post and I do hope you continue on with it. Great that work seems to be going well too. As always, you inspire me for my daughter. One day, I hope she too will be doing what you are…back out there, living, with true friends and a loving, supporting partner and a job she can enjoy. All these things seems so very far away right now but you give me hope. Love & Hugs… Sherri ❀

    1. Hi Sherri! How’re you? I haven’t blogged in a long time, as you probably already know 😦 I’ve been terrible. I will catch up with your posts over the next week πŸ™‚

      Love & Hugs


  4. Hey good to see you back, isn’t it a little weird I could write a very similar post about now, I was just coming back to my blog, with the same thoughts, not exactly of course but I have little time to blog or stream since starting work six months ago, but I’m refocusing my time, to save a little for writing, hope to catch up soon!

    1. Hey! Thank you, I haven’t blogged in a very long time. I’ve been writing in books but that’s about it. Kind of lost myself I suppose. Hope things are looking up for you?

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