Discovering Pessimism

For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt depressed, well that’s what I thought it was growing up. Many may not understand how a child can be depressed. The child could have a loving family, new clothes, friends and a stable lifestyle. This still doesn’t mean that a child is necessarily happy.

On a good day I consider myself a bubbly person, yet on a bad day I turn into this negative being. I’ve never really sat there and looked back on my life and noticed any patterns until now. I used to always have this dark outlook on life and I still do now. I feel like I’m constantly at war with myself. There’s one side of me trying to see the greatness in everything around me, and then there’s this side of me that can’t see any goodness in the world we live in.

I’ve always been observant of things happening in the world. I have always been inquisitive and question everything. I feel that because of this I’ve never been able to let go of all of the negative incidents that take place on a daily basis around the world. I suppose for the normal person, it’s easy to be sympathetic when the latest news alert pops up on their TV screens but they easily slip back into their 9-5 grind and comfortable life. I on the other hand struggle to let these things go. I can’t help but think of those living in poverty when I refill the kettle with fresh water, I feel guilty when I’m able to buy new clothes and there are people unable to afford these things and must feel humiliated on a daily basis. I can’t feel comfortable living in a world where soldiers are praised in return for killing innocent people. I can’t feel comfortable knowing that the government’s concern isn’t for our future generations. I continuously see these images nearly everyday and it stops me from being happy.

 


 

I started therapy on Monday. I met with a woman who seemed like she was up to the job. I’ve had therapy in the past with no change. I have to have CBT for 20 weeks so I can finally see a psychologist. I didn’t want to go through this process but to see the right person I have to. The assessor said I have to improve my moods before seeing a psychologist, which brings me to this post.

When having my session I couldn’t possibly see a way that this rubbish was going to improve my moods. I’m always going to feel this way, I doubt 20 sessions with a CBT therapist will alter my views on the world.

Since my session I have been thinking over and over, trying to sift through my memories as to why I have always been a pessimist. I realised that it’s always been the case for me. I see life too negatively, I rarely see the beauty. I have days when I visit the countryside and I see so much beauty that it’s overwhelming, it just doesn’t last long enough. I let the negative outweigh the positive repeatedly.

I wonder if there are other pessimists out there like me? Anyone who can shed some light.

I’m hoping this is something I will, one day, overcome.

 

M.

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7 thoughts on “Discovering Pessimism

  1. There will always be war and innocent casualties. There will always be poverty. There will always be homelessness. Hunger. The difference that exists is that you have compassion in your heart for the people in those situations. Regardless of who they are. It would be different if you saw those things and did not feel any emotions toward them. But you do. That makes you more human than most of the robots that exist here.
    This world has turned into a cruel and hard place to live in. Yes, that is true. It is one of the biggest tests that we can possibly imagine. But there is a universal beauty that does exist behind he backdrop of all the televised and controlled propaganda of politics, war, etc.
    Almost everything in our daily lives is controlled. And it’s got to the point to where their control mechanisms are reaching further than our own individual bodies. Now, I feel like that they want to control our inner emotions. And if they can paint this certain picture, then people will never unify and stand together and break themselves out of this trance that they have us in.
    I used to be a pessimist. I did. But it wasted a lot of my time. It wore at my heart and soul. It turned me into something that I was not. Because true beauty and peace and serenity does exist out there. And in today’s world, it’s easier to be a pessimist than an optimist. It’s easier to be sad than happy. But we cannot let those negative forces win the battle within. We must take back our emotions. We must take back our hearts and souls and see the greater design behind everything.

    I wish you the best in whatever you encounter.
    There is hope. And love. And patience. And balance. And clarity out there for you.
    And I hope you are blessed with these things in the days to come as you search for what you are looking for.

    1. Thanks Vernon for those words. Everything you say is the truth and I hope in time I can be more optimistic about things. I know that by being pessimistic I am wearing away and exhausting myself internally. I hope that this time, I will see the right therapist who can help sift through some of my brain and clear out some clutter so I can start having a more refreshed outlook on life etc. I hope one day we can meet each other my dear friend and have these discussions. I’d feel a whole lot better!

      You inspire me in so many ways, just to see your journey and to see how far you have come from the person you were. You’re an inspiration and I’ll always aspire to have your mentality.

      Love & Light,

      M.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I have realised that for so many years I have tried to brush my feelings under a carpet in hope of never returning. I am slowly piecing together the pieces and hoping to escape these pessimistic tendencies. I feel your pain, 100%.

  2. Maria, I can be. My worries get their grip on me when things seem to be going well. In my mind, that’s not allowed to happen so I mentally prepare for the coming apocalypse.

    1. Hi Michael, sounds bad but I’m glad I’m not the only one. I see so many people around me that manage to live care free and happily and I feel jealous that I sit here and see the worst in everything. I understand the preparation for an apocalypse too, I live by it!

      Hoping in time I can control these negative tendencies and try to get a grip on my life.

      1. Hi Maria, I know about feeling jealous of others who seem to have it all together. In time, you will be able to control the negative tendencies.

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