For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt depressed, well that’s what I thought it was growing up. Many may not understand how a child can be depressed. The child could have a loving family, new clothes, friends and a stable lifestyle. This still doesn’t mean that a child is necessarily happy.
On a good day I consider myself a bubbly person, yet on a bad day I turn into this negative being. I’ve never really sat there and looked back on my life and noticed any patterns until now. I used to always have this dark outlook on life and I still do now. I feel like I’m constantly at war with myself. There’s one side of me trying to see the greatness in everything around me, and then there’s this side of me that can’t see any goodness in the world we live in.
I’ve always been observant of things happening in the world. I have always been inquisitive and question everything. I feel that because of this I’ve never been able to let go of all of the negative incidents that take place on a daily basis around the world. I suppose for the normal person, it’s easy to be sympathetic when the latest news alert pops up on their TV screens but they easily slip back into their 9-5 grind and comfortable life. I on the other hand struggle to let these things go. I can’t help but think of those living in poverty when I refill the kettle with fresh water, I feel guilty when I’m able to buy new clothes and there are people unable to afford these things and must feel humiliated on a daily basis. I can’t feel comfortable living in a world where soldiers are praised in return for killing innocent people. I can’t feel comfortable knowing that the government’s concern isn’t for our future generations. I continuously see these images nearly everyday and it stops me from being happy.
I started therapy on Monday. I met with a woman who seemed like she was up to the job. I’ve had therapy in the past with no change. I have to have CBT for 20 weeks so I can finally see a psychologist. I didn’t want to go through this process but to see the right person I have to. The assessor said I have to improve my moods before seeing a psychologist, which brings me to this post.
When having my session I couldn’t possibly see a way that this rubbish was going to improve my moods. I’m always going to feel this way, I doubt 20 sessions with a CBT therapist will alter my views on the world.
Since my session I have been thinking over and over, trying to sift through my memories as to why I have always been a pessimist. I realised that it’s always been the case for me. I see life too negatively, I rarely see the beauty. I have days when I visit the countryside and I see so much beauty that it’s overwhelming, it just doesn’t last long enough. I let the negative outweigh the positive repeatedly.
I wonder if there are other pessimists out there like me? Anyone who can shed some light.
I’m hoping this is something I will, one day, overcome.