Journal Entry – 01/03/2017

 

This past week has been a horrendous one. My hormones were all over the place, I’ve had a migraine for a week and I’m having to deal with the constant dread of my foster dog potentially leaving on the weekend! I haven’t even managed to think a positive thought. Tonight I feel a little wobbly. I keep trying to distract my thoughts from my foster leaving me but find myself getting anxious. I hate people seeing me cry and I know I’ll be a blubbering mess.

The migraine situation has been driving me near suicidal. It’s no joke. The pain can be excruciating and more often than not I can’t think of anything more soothing than knocking myself out until it’s over with. Anyway, my GP prescribed me some new meds to try which I put off for a week (I hate relying on meds) and had to admit defeat and take the pills. I’m three days in and haven’t had a migraine so my fingers and toes are firmly crossed!

To make matters worse, we’ve had some roofers and builders in to fit our new roof. To be honest they’re sound guys but I hate having people here. I can’t settle, my life’s quite literally put on hold until they’ve completed the job and moved on. All I want to do is relax and have some peace and quiet but I panic and end up making them sausage sandwiches!

Moving on, I spoke with my therapist on Monday and she’s decided that I take a three month break. I need to get my migraines under control and gain some balance with my behavioural activation, which in all honesty, hasn’t been great since losing my gran. I actually felt relieved that it was coming to an end. I was finding myself becoming anxious before sessions and there wasn’t much light on my part. I was on my 16th session and still felt the reasons for my depression hadn’t been approached, although my mood had improved, it was obvious the darkness would still find it’s way back into my life without closure on my past.

I really need to try my hardest to get myself back on the stable track and maintain ‘life’. I know what I have to do it’s just a matter of picking myself up and out of the comforts and pushing myself into tasks that I’d usually avoid. I’m still planning my sponsored walk and have bought two cameras to get myself out of the house and experiment more with the hobby I enjoy.

Life really is a labyrinth which I was once lost in but I’ll stay believing that it’s the mystery that keeps it exciting.


If you have a few moments please swing by sweetandsawah ‘s blog. Such a lovely woman who inspires me with her ambitious mentality. Love & Hugs.

 

Jefferson Airplane – White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she’s ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she’ll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen’s off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head

Scotland – Edinburgh & Loch Lomond

For my 27th birthday this year we went away to Scotland for 4 nights. On the day of arrival we checked out the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art and Will planned a trip to The Royal Observatory of Edinburgh which I thoroughly enjoyed. We were able to see the impressively huge telescope and the rotating dome (pictured below). After an insightful talk about astronomy we walked up to the top of the dome to star gaze and check out the beautiful night sky. Luckily the sky was clear as we had the opportunity to look at the moon closely through telescopes and to top it off we held some rocks from space!

The second day we got the tram into the city and took a tour of the underground vaults. It was surreal being under the city and learning the history behind them. Once we left the vaults we went to The Surgeons Hall Museum. We spent a good few hours there as there was so much to see. We learnt about research into diseases, dentistry and walked among hundreds of body parts preserved in jars! Very fascinating and worth a visit.

On our third day we made our way to our little log cabin near Loch Lomond. I absolutely adore driving through Loch Lomond and exploring it’s beautiful surroundings. I felt quite drained from the last few days so we took it easy and walked for most of the day before retiring and winding down for our last day.

Our final day in Scotland was a fun one. We visited the aquarium and took a walk around Balloch Castle in the afternoon then headed to Inveraray to visit the old jail. To finish the evening we went back to The Drovers Inn, one of my favourite pubs, for a meal of haggis, neeps and tatties (of course, when in Scotland).

I had a lovely relaxed and insightful time in Scotland again and can’t wait to visit sometime soon. I’ve realised that my phone camera is rubbish so I’ve just bought my first DSLR camera so I’m hoping to take some nice clear photos in the future! I’ll be posting again soon with more updates on my never ending madness but for now it’s goodbye 🙂

New Year, New You, Same Me

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Every year it’s the same. A new year dawns on me and I sit there wondering what should I change and focus on, mainly because society feeds us with this idea of change and spending money on a gym membership. I can no longer stand the sight of a TV, it’s only a matter of minutes before an advert raving about a new fitness book/DVD is announced!

It was different this year. I had a rough couple of months leading up to Christmas with my gran passing away and my foster dog getting adopted. I couldn’t handle the change very well and went into a deep shutdown period for months. I’m balancing out again now and able to feel ecstatic that he’s gone to a forever home and slowly grieving with my gran. In fact I’ll be meeting my new Senior Staffy foster on the 18th Jan and I cannot wait! I’m also in the middle of planning a sponsored hike in the summer to raise money for the rescue I foster for so I’ll keep you updated when I have set up my GoFundme page!

When New Years Eve approached I didn’t set myself any physical goals. Instead I’ve been considering cancelling my gym membership because I feel lonely going alone and no longer find it fun or worthy of my time. To be honest with you, I’ve been feeling quite fearful of leaving the house alone lately. I’m sure it’s probably related to the grief I’ve felt lately and will discuss with therapist tomorrow. I’ve also been strengthening my mind over the last few years and will continue to do so. I will no longer force myself to take part in anything that I feel will cause unnecessary stress and will not be taken advantage of from anyone.

I’ve learnt that the length of time really is precious and has so many qualities. Nothing great can be rushed. Sometimes you have to put the work in to reap rewards but it’s worth waiting for. Time also heals and gives us the space to heal ourselves and grow as a person. Over the years I’ve also noticed that time just seems to whiz past and I often worry that I’ll waste/regret my time here so make sure you embrace it and find the greatness and achievement in each day.

Which leads me to this quote by The Dalia Lama taken from my little book of Buddhism:

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Some of us will find great achievement by managing a day consisting of a few chores or facing the outside world when anxiety encourages otherwise and others will find great achievement by persisting in a job and progressing with their career or finally buying a house. I love how this quote expresses that we are all equal and every little achievement can be very different from one another but is something we should all feel proud of no matter how big or small..